i make my wife cry by being myself

I feel very alone tonight. my wife is asleep next to me, and i am typing this on my phone. we had a  big discussion last night, and it came out that i keep my true self hidden from my wife. i guess somehow that fact was lost on her somehow. she knew that i go non-verbal, and tick, and dont like being around people, that i talk monotone and repetatively, that my interests are narrowed, and highly focused, and that those things started making her cry sometime after we got married, and i had to put all my efforts into not doing those things anymore. i am exhausted by always trying to be somebody im not. im starting to think that i can only keep it up for so long. im just so tired of pretending.  i told my wife that i loved her, but that i was always putting on a character for her, saying the things i knew to say in certain situations, and that -i was hoping in that moment of honesty that we were sharing last night, that i would be able tobe honest, and tell her that it was all too much for me; unfortunately, it turned out she just started sobbing again, so i turned my fake personality once more, and  she cheered back up, and seemed to forget all about what we had just talked about, and that i had been putting on a facade, she just started needing reassurance, in that moment when i felt that reassurance for me may have been nice, for a change. anyway, i guess thatms all i have to say; well, that and that at the time, we were watching "temple grandin" -a fantastic film that truely captures what it is to have high-functioning-autism, and i highly reccommend it. - just dont watch it with your loved ones with whom you act differently, because it just shines a light on all the things you cant hide, and all the ways you do a poor job pretending, and makes your loved ones cry and feel horrible....also, please excuse the poor spelling and grammar in this post, as i stated before, im on my cell phone. -thank you for reading.

My wife actually took me to a Cook-Doctor earlier this summer to try to "Cure" me. -That hurt. A LOT! I couldn't believe that she was so uncomfortable with me that she would try to change my neurological pathways to fit what she wanted in a husband.

Of course it failed, and was a gigantic waste of money, but I went anyhow, because I am doing everything I can to make her happy. -I'm just not sure I'll be able to.

I personally don't believe Autism can be cured, Prevented perhaps, in the future, but I don't think it could be cured. Not only that, but I don't believe I need a cure. Sure, I am a flawed, and imperfect person, I have my idiosyncrasies, but I am happy, confident, and functional "Enough" and I wouldn't accept a change being made to my neurology any more than I believe anybody else would.

Here we are, almost a year since my last post. I've been meaning to keep up on this blog, but life has gotten in the way...also Marriage.

We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.

My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.

-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.

She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME  that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.

Marriage is hard.

I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance,  as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!

 However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much. 

Marriage.

Much has happened since my last post.
-Lets just discuss the most important: I got Married....and I got married to the ex-girlfriend mentioned in my last post.

Marriage has proven to be a far more difficult beast to tackle than I had ever anticipated. Due largely to my own issues, and the difficulties which accompany my AS.

I am not built for being close, I am not built for being around anybody for long periods of time.
I have a very loving, and understanding wife, but all the same, I don't imagine it's been any easier for her than for me. Aside from "the regular" issues, I understand accompany most newlyweds, there are key things which I know bother her:

-I am an insomniac, and she likes to sleep together (though not touching)
-I never stop moving/ticking, and it (understandably) gets taxing.
-I am an artist and writer, and we have differing views on MANY important issues under that umbrella.
-I don't make a lot of money. I'm fine with that, and live my life accordingly. My Wife, however, is not as okay with this.
-Our diets differ greatly. I, being a creature of habit, like the things I like, and don't like many of the things she likes. I usually eat little more than: Miniwheats for Breakfast, Peanut butter sandwiches for lunch; Dinner admittedly varies.
The Mrs. is a more health-conscious person, preferring low calorie, low fat, and lighter foods....though I'm afraid my unwillingness to compromise has made her alter her diet.
-I am VERY pragmatic. My logic is a source of tenuousness between us. I acknowledge facts and don't act or speak based off emotions, and she is fairly illogical.....as are most people, in my experience.

I'm trying to learn to be a better husband, while still trying to figure out how to be a better, more "Well adjusted" adult.
It's not easy. I don't ever feel comfortable, I feel on edge much of the time, Despite how very understanding, and accommodating she is, and how hard she works to make sure I'm comfortable, and tries to not let things about me bother her I know things are still bothering her.
-People may not understand it, but I'm too rational to NOT recognizer that it's an issue for her.

A genuine experience

I recently was speaking with an ex-girlfriend; She was the first girl I had ever told about my autism, She was the first I had told about my compression clothing, and the only I have ever told about my wearing tights.
Despite the fact I occassionally felt that some aspects of my AS were hard for her to accept, She has always been accomidating, kind, and understanding. She always wanted to make sure I was comfortable, and alright in situations.
I was the one who broke things off with her, I felt like I was holding her back. She had so much potential, and I thought she was backpedaling for me....but that's neither here, nor there.

Inspite of everything, we have managed to stay decently good friends. When I had origonally told her about my compression clothing, it piqued her interest. While for slightly different reasons, She also hated the feeling of loose clothing, and loved the tight compression afforded her by Leotards, swimsuits, tights, and even camisols;
so when I told her I had a divesuit in which I occasionally slept, she requested imediately to try it on. I agreed to let her, she did, we had a good laugh and she put it back. We talked about it a few times throughout our regretably short relationship, and she would comment about it, and even nicknamed it my "Yummy" while my other compression clothing she referred to as my "Stretchy."

Last week I was talking to her, and I got up the nerve to tell her about my Zentai (something about which, despite the comfort it offers me, I still feel a little awkward) When I told her, she thought it was great; She told me she thought my divesuit was very comfortable, and would love to see, and even try on the Zentai, If I would let her.

Over the next week, I showed her a picture of me in it, (which I had taken to try to make myself feel more comfortable) and then even showed the suit to her (though not while wearing it) She was very encouraging, and comfortable with it; She told me if she had one, she would wear it openly, and thought it seemed like it would be very comfortable. I told her it was very comfortable, but I was a little uncomfortable about admitting to wearing the suit, given it's often sexual connotations. She encouraged me to not be ashamed, told me she knew me well enough to know my motives for it, and even suggested she and I have a "Yummy-movie night" where I would wear my suit, and she a Unitard, or other such lycra garment, to help me feel more comfortable.

I haven't yet taken her up on her offer, but I must admit, being that physicaly comfortable, while with someone, with whom I could feel that emotionally comfortable, does hold some appeal to me. I would very much like to have that experience, and perhaps put some of my apprehensoins to rest, and hopefully, feel more comfortable with myself, and my situation.

Lists

I think it may be important to mention lists.

At a Very young age, Over a decade before my diagnosis of Asperger's my mother recognized my need for lists to function day-to-day.
She realized that if she asked me to do something, I would forget, I would forget to do pretty much everything. Not because I was a belligerent child, not because I wanted to misbehave, but because they would simply not register as important to me.

My mother had make me lists for everything, from my routine in the morning, to what time I should eat; Times to play something not involving my obsession, to what things I'd need to remember when I left the house.

My father was FAR less understanding. He couldn't understand how, his son could be old enough to read, and remember every last thing he had ever learned about Dinosaurs, but couldn't remember to do his chores, or what he had read for his homework.
-This would actually be the catalyst for a lot of strain between my father, and myself (but that is probably something best left for another post)

Despite my troubles with my father not understanding, my Mother simply tried to accommodate me, by making lists.

If my mother wanted something done - for example: Take out the trash. It would go on the list, because she knew I would forget that she had asked me.

However, she still would ask me. I would completely freak out if something was on the list, and I didn't have prior knowledge to reference to. It would completely become an overwhelming thing to me, and most often result in outbursts, Screaming, rocking, hitting, and eventually "Shutting Down."

Even now, Lists are the only thing that keep me functioning. To this day, I still run through my checklist in the morning, before I go out, to remember to eat, and even buy groceries. Not a grocery list, but a task on the list.

-Tuesday- Brush teeth, Shower, Shave, Get Dressed, T.O. Garbage, exercise, Eat Breakfast, Buy Groceries.....etc.

Then there are sub lists; One taped next to the door reads what I like to have with me to go out:

Zippo, Handkerchief, Pocket knife, Wallet, Phone, Hat, Watch, Jacket.

Lists are a helpful way of getting by, and putting order into your life. I'll even set alarm clocks, Cell Phone Event reminders, Anything, and everything I can to keep my life on track, and keep me functioning.

If you have a hard time remembering things, I highly recommend you make yourself some lists. Look into it, It is well worth your time.

Films and the like

A word of advice to anybody with aspergers: Don't watch films about Aspergers with anybody who knows about your condition. -It is a very unerving experience, one which I first encountered when my Family decided they wanted to watch Mozart and the Whale with me.
The entire time was an awkward verbal comparison of me. Every time a character did something, it was followed by a response of "That's just like Roscoe" or the opposite. I couldn't take the screwtanizing eyes, and turned off the film half way through.

the other day an aquantance rented a film called "Adam" We didn't know it at the time, but it;s about a man, age 30 with Aspergers; again, the stares, and comparisons, though thankfully, not nearly as much as the Mozart and the Whale experience.

Since I haven't written anything in a while, I want to talk about these two films, and without devulging any "Spoilers" regarding the films plots, give my opinions as someone with AS.

Mozart and the Whale:

Mozart and the whale is a film about a 20-something man and a 20-Something Woman both with AS, and both exhibiting different symptoms of their shared syndrome, who meet at somewhat of a support group for people with various forms of Autism. The film can be very insightful, and since it centers around two people with such different symptoms of AS, it is easy to relate, if not to both characters, at least to one. The movie doesn't shy away from the negative sides of AS, but also shows how tallented, and caring people with AS can be, despite our poor social skills. In my opinion, the film sheds a positive light on people with AS without being patranizing. The film can be a little overwhelming, as it has no subplot, and is very focused on telling it's one story. However, while it is a little too straight forward and and drawn out, if you have AS and can relate to the situations on screen, it is still a pretty good watch.

Adam:
Adam is about a man with AS who is 30, the film opens with the main character, Adam at a funeral for his father. Apparently Adam has been living with his father all his life, and now finds himself on his own for the first time. The film was good, and it had a secondary plot that made it easier to watch for people who couldn't relate to the character.
Adam has a much Higher functioning form of AS than the characters on Mozart and the Whale, he fixates on Astronomy, and doesn't like changes in his routine, or crowd situations, but aside from, and even despite that, he was a very high functioning character.
The film wasn't bad, but at times seemed more like a commercial for how friends and Family could cope with loved ones having AS, in the way they tried to explain it for the audience.

On a side note: Durring one scene Adam refers to himself as "An Aspie" -I hate that term. I have never met anyone with an actual diagnosis who refers to themselves as such, and I find it to be almost offensive. If someone has ADD you wouldn't refer to them as an "Aidy"

In my experience, the term is most commonly used by people who just THINK they have AS, or people who tell people they have AS for the attention and sense of identity.

But I digress, Adam (so I am old) Is a much easire film to watch for people without AS than the afore mentioned, Mozard and the Whale. Personally, I enjoyed the film well enough, but found The lead character's "level of functionality" harder to relate.