i make my wife cry by being myself

I feel very alone tonight. my wife is asleep next to me, and i am typing this on my phone. we had a  big discussion last night, and it came out that i keep my true self hidden from my wife. i guess somehow that fact was lost on her somehow. she knew that i go non-verbal, and tick, and dont like being around people, that i talk monotone and repetatively, that my interests are narrowed, and highly focused, and that those things started making her cry sometime after we got married, and i had to put all my efforts into not doing those things anymore. i am exhausted by always trying to be somebody im not. im starting to think that i can only keep it up for so long. im just so tired of pretending.  i told my wife that i loved her, but that i was always putting on a character for her, saying the things i knew to say in certain situations, and that -i was hoping in that moment of honesty that we were sharing last night, that i would be able tobe honest, and tell her that it was all too much for me; unfortunately, it turned out she just started sobbing again, so i turned my fake personality once more, and  she cheered back up, and seemed to forget all about what we had just talked about, and that i had been putting on a facade, she just started needing reassurance, in that moment when i felt that reassurance for me may have been nice, for a change. anyway, i guess thatms all i have to say; well, that and that at the time, we were watching "temple grandin" -a fantastic film that truely captures what it is to have high-functioning-autism, and i highly reccommend it. - just dont watch it with your loved ones with whom you act differently, because it just shines a light on all the things you cant hide, and all the ways you do a poor job pretending, and makes your loved ones cry and feel horrible....also, please excuse the poor spelling and grammar in this post, as i stated before, im on my cell phone. -thank you for reading.

My wife actually took me to a Cook-Doctor earlier this summer to try to "Cure" me. -That hurt. A LOT! I couldn't believe that she was so uncomfortable with me that she would try to change my neurological pathways to fit what she wanted in a husband.

Of course it failed, and was a gigantic waste of money, but I went anyhow, because I am doing everything I can to make her happy. -I'm just not sure I'll be able to.

I personally don't believe Autism can be cured, Prevented perhaps, in the future, but I don't think it could be cured. Not only that, but I don't believe I need a cure. Sure, I am a flawed, and imperfect person, I have my idiosyncrasies, but I am happy, confident, and functional "Enough" and I wouldn't accept a change being made to my neurology any more than I believe anybody else would.

Here we are, almost a year since my last post. I've been meaning to keep up on this blog, but life has gotten in the way...also Marriage.

We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.

My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.

-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.

She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME  that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.

Marriage is hard.

I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance,  as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!

 However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much. 

Marriage.

Much has happened since my last post.
-Lets just discuss the most important: I got Married....and I got married to the ex-girlfriend mentioned in my last post.

Marriage has proven to be a far more difficult beast to tackle than I had ever anticipated. Due largely to my own issues, and the difficulties which accompany my AS.

I am not built for being close, I am not built for being around anybody for long periods of time.
I have a very loving, and understanding wife, but all the same, I don't imagine it's been any easier for her than for me. Aside from "the regular" issues, I understand accompany most newlyweds, there are key things which I know bother her:

-I am an insomniac, and she likes to sleep together (though not touching)
-I never stop moving/ticking, and it (understandably) gets taxing.
-I am an artist and writer, and we have differing views on MANY important issues under that umbrella.
-I don't make a lot of money. I'm fine with that, and live my life accordingly. My Wife, however, is not as okay with this.
-Our diets differ greatly. I, being a creature of habit, like the things I like, and don't like many of the things she likes. I usually eat little more than: Miniwheats for Breakfast, Peanut butter sandwiches for lunch; Dinner admittedly varies.
The Mrs. is a more health-conscious person, preferring low calorie, low fat, and lighter foods....though I'm afraid my unwillingness to compromise has made her alter her diet.
-I am VERY pragmatic. My logic is a source of tenuousness between us. I acknowledge facts and don't act or speak based off emotions, and she is fairly illogical.....as are most people, in my experience.

I'm trying to learn to be a better husband, while still trying to figure out how to be a better, more "Well adjusted" adult.
It's not easy. I don't ever feel comfortable, I feel on edge much of the time, Despite how very understanding, and accommodating she is, and how hard she works to make sure I'm comfortable, and tries to not let things about me bother her I know things are still bothering her.
-People may not understand it, but I'm too rational to NOT recognizer that it's an issue for her.

A genuine experience

I recently was speaking with an ex-girlfriend; She was the first girl I had ever told about my autism, She was the first I had told about my compression clothing, and the only I have ever told about my wearing tights.
Despite the fact I occassionally felt that some aspects of my AS were hard for her to accept, She has always been accomidating, kind, and understanding. She always wanted to make sure I was comfortable, and alright in situations.
I was the one who broke things off with her, I felt like I was holding her back. She had so much potential, and I thought she was backpedaling for me....but that's neither here, nor there.

Inspite of everything, we have managed to stay decently good friends. When I had origonally told her about my compression clothing, it piqued her interest. While for slightly different reasons, She also hated the feeling of loose clothing, and loved the tight compression afforded her by Leotards, swimsuits, tights, and even camisols;
so when I told her I had a divesuit in which I occasionally slept, she requested imediately to try it on. I agreed to let her, she did, we had a good laugh and she put it back. We talked about it a few times throughout our regretably short relationship, and she would comment about it, and even nicknamed it my "Yummy" while my other compression clothing she referred to as my "Stretchy."

Last week I was talking to her, and I got up the nerve to tell her about my Zentai (something about which, despite the comfort it offers me, I still feel a little awkward) When I told her, she thought it was great; She told me she thought my divesuit was very comfortable, and would love to see, and even try on the Zentai, If I would let her.

Over the next week, I showed her a picture of me in it, (which I had taken to try to make myself feel more comfortable) and then even showed the suit to her (though not while wearing it) She was very encouraging, and comfortable with it; She told me if she had one, she would wear it openly, and thought it seemed like it would be very comfortable. I told her it was very comfortable, but I was a little uncomfortable about admitting to wearing the suit, given it's often sexual connotations. She encouraged me to not be ashamed, told me she knew me well enough to know my motives for it, and even suggested she and I have a "Yummy-movie night" where I would wear my suit, and she a Unitard, or other such lycra garment, to help me feel more comfortable.

I haven't yet taken her up on her offer, but I must admit, being that physicaly comfortable, while with someone, with whom I could feel that emotionally comfortable, does hold some appeal to me. I would very much like to have that experience, and perhaps put some of my apprehensoins to rest, and hopefully, feel more comfortable with myself, and my situation.

Lists

I think it may be important to mention lists.

At a Very young age, Over a decade before my diagnosis of Asperger's my mother recognized my need for lists to function day-to-day.
She realized that if she asked me to do something, I would forget, I would forget to do pretty much everything. Not because I was a belligerent child, not because I wanted to misbehave, but because they would simply not register as important to me.

My mother had make me lists for everything, from my routine in the morning, to what time I should eat; Times to play something not involving my obsession, to what things I'd need to remember when I left the house.

My father was FAR less understanding. He couldn't understand how, his son could be old enough to read, and remember every last thing he had ever learned about Dinosaurs, but couldn't remember to do his chores, or what he had read for his homework.
-This would actually be the catalyst for a lot of strain between my father, and myself (but that is probably something best left for another post)

Despite my troubles with my father not understanding, my Mother simply tried to accommodate me, by making lists.

If my mother wanted something done - for example: Take out the trash. It would go on the list, because she knew I would forget that she had asked me.

However, she still would ask me. I would completely freak out if something was on the list, and I didn't have prior knowledge to reference to. It would completely become an overwhelming thing to me, and most often result in outbursts, Screaming, rocking, hitting, and eventually "Shutting Down."

Even now, Lists are the only thing that keep me functioning. To this day, I still run through my checklist in the morning, before I go out, to remember to eat, and even buy groceries. Not a grocery list, but a task on the list.

-Tuesday- Brush teeth, Shower, Shave, Get Dressed, T.O. Garbage, exercise, Eat Breakfast, Buy Groceries.....etc.

Then there are sub lists; One taped next to the door reads what I like to have with me to go out:

Zippo, Handkerchief, Pocket knife, Wallet, Phone, Hat, Watch, Jacket.

Lists are a helpful way of getting by, and putting order into your life. I'll even set alarm clocks, Cell Phone Event reminders, Anything, and everything I can to keep my life on track, and keep me functioning.

If you have a hard time remembering things, I highly recommend you make yourself some lists. Look into it, It is well worth your time.

Films and the like

A word of advice to anybody with aspergers: Don't watch films about Aspergers with anybody who knows about your condition. -It is a very unerving experience, one which I first encountered when my Family decided they wanted to watch Mozart and the Whale with me.
The entire time was an awkward verbal comparison of me. Every time a character did something, it was followed by a response of "That's just like Roscoe" or the opposite. I couldn't take the screwtanizing eyes, and turned off the film half way through.

the other day an aquantance rented a film called "Adam" We didn't know it at the time, but it;s about a man, age 30 with Aspergers; again, the stares, and comparisons, though thankfully, not nearly as much as the Mozart and the Whale experience.

Since I haven't written anything in a while, I want to talk about these two films, and without devulging any "Spoilers" regarding the films plots, give my opinions as someone with AS.

Mozart and the Whale:

Mozart and the whale is a film about a 20-something man and a 20-Something Woman both with AS, and both exhibiting different symptoms of their shared syndrome, who meet at somewhat of a support group for people with various forms of Autism. The film can be very insightful, and since it centers around two people with such different symptoms of AS, it is easy to relate, if not to both characters, at least to one. The movie doesn't shy away from the negative sides of AS, but also shows how tallented, and caring people with AS can be, despite our poor social skills. In my opinion, the film sheds a positive light on people with AS without being patranizing. The film can be a little overwhelming, as it has no subplot, and is very focused on telling it's one story. However, while it is a little too straight forward and and drawn out, if you have AS and can relate to the situations on screen, it is still a pretty good watch.

Adam:
Adam is about a man with AS who is 30, the film opens with the main character, Adam at a funeral for his father. Apparently Adam has been living with his father all his life, and now finds himself on his own for the first time. The film was good, and it had a secondary plot that made it easier to watch for people who couldn't relate to the character.
Adam has a much Higher functioning form of AS than the characters on Mozart and the Whale, he fixates on Astronomy, and doesn't like changes in his routine, or crowd situations, but aside from, and even despite that, he was a very high functioning character.
The film wasn't bad, but at times seemed more like a commercial for how friends and Family could cope with loved ones having AS, in the way they tried to explain it for the audience.

On a side note: Durring one scene Adam refers to himself as "An Aspie" -I hate that term. I have never met anyone with an actual diagnosis who refers to themselves as such, and I find it to be almost offensive. If someone has ADD you wouldn't refer to them as an "Aidy"

In my experience, the term is most commonly used by people who just THINK they have AS, or people who tell people they have AS for the attention and sense of identity.

But I digress, Adam (so I am old) Is a much easire film to watch for people without AS than the afore mentioned, Mozard and the Whale. Personally, I enjoyed the film well enough, but found The lead character's "level of functionality" harder to relate.

obsessions, fixations and the need for Lists.

I am a man of obsession; Not in an obsessive-compulsive way, I fixate on things.
Randomly, things will be come extremely important to me. I have no control over what things will suddenly interest me.


Whether it be a period in history, an object, a machine, a philosophy, or a subculture.... whatever it is, I'll learn everything I can about the subject: The history of it, the purpose and functionality, the practical reasoning behind the decisions, the mythology...Everything. It will become all I think about. Nothing else will matter.



These fixations will change, evolve; I'll be interested solely on one thing, and become an expert on the subject, and as soon as another fixation comes along, forget most everything about the previous. This usually happens abruptely.



Even when I'm not obsessing about some new fixation, Art is always a constant for me. I chose a career in art because it affords me time to be alone, I can work doing what I want, in the comfort of my own home. However I have to be careful, I will be so emerssed in my artwork, that I will forget to eat, sleep, and even lose track of time to the point of not knowing what day it is. I wake up and imediately get to work, and I fall asleep doing the same.

This brings us to lists. My mother learned when I was very young to give me lists of what I would need to do, what to take with me when I left the house, and even my hygene and eating routine.
This is something that, even now as an adult, I have to do for myself in order to function daily.

I follow a set routine, I have certain things I always do, and carry with me. A well regimented schedual, and To-do lists
are very useful to me. Further, always carrying the same objects with me is a comforting, and often useful habit to keep. On my person, at any time, I keep a pocket knife, a zippo lighter, my wallet, phone, shop towel, and keys. these are things I put in my pockets every morning, before I brush my teeth. They're on the list, and if I forget even one of them, I find myself oddly thrown off by the entire day. I suppose I crave consistancy.

Insomnia, and

Insomnia, One of the symptoms that stretches across the entire spectrum of Autism Disorders.
It is amazing to most people how little I actually sleep. I can function at full copacity for an entire day with 3-4 hours of sleep with absolutely no fatigue. I just don't need sleep.
I don't know if it's a subconcious decision because it's so quiet at night, or if it's just the way I'm wired, but I usually force myself asleep around 5 or 6 in the A.M. feeling wide awake as I do.
I have heard that this is a common event with people with ASD's, I guess it gets somewhat taxing on the parents of younger children.
Personally, my parents used to try to get me to sleep, but that was so long ago, I don't even remember it. They also tried to stay awake with me, but soon found that impossible, and left me to my late night devices. I spent my nights somewhat productively, reading books far beyond my age level, drawing, admittedly playing nintendo, or movies from our meager collection of Disney cassettes. I would play with GI Joes, build forts, anything really, so long as I didn't leave a mess for my mother to have to deal with in the morning.

Now, I had another little quirk, in addition to not needing sleep, I hardly ever needed to eat. And when I did eat, I had such picky tastes it was almost impossible to feed me. Now, many Autistic kids are picky with food in regards to texture, and specific tastes, however, nobody else I've heard of would go upwards of three days without food and not realize it, AND not be sleeping.

Obviousely, my parents were stuck with one scrawny little kid.

Both of these issues still exist. The eating issue, not so much. I usually eat every day now.....usually. But I'm still 5'11" and only 130lbs. despite being physically active, and lifting weights.

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Tights, take three: more of my history before my diagnosis.

Yes, we are delving deeper into the story regarding my wearing tight clothing; I know it's getting redundant, but it feels good after all these years to talk about it, and I really want to make sure that people know that having this compulsion can be a perfectly natural part of having an ASD; it doesn't make you gay, or unusual, it makes you autistic, or means you have sensory issues, I just don't want people to experience the shame and discomfort I experienced growing up if they don't have to.

I have always been compelled to wear tight fitting clothing, though I never knew why, I can remember as a boy of age 4 seeing my female cousin in a leotard, and being overcome with a desire to wear one, I was ashamed and didn't understand why I had the desire, (There but for an early diagnosis go I) I spent the rest of my childhood with the desire, My sisters swimsuits, leotards, tights, stretchpants, figureskating costumes, if it was anything tight, I was drawn toward it; I never acted on the compulsion, and never told anyone about it.

In my Teen years, This developed into a paraphelia, I would steal leotards, tights and things form laundry hampers, and even closets and dressers. I would wrap myself from head to toe in Tights and nylons; but not knowing why I was initially drawn to such things, and being a Christian, this always seemed somehow extremely dirty.
I knew I was not a transvestite, nor was I gay; I wasn't appealing because it was Taboo, or because they were women's clothing, It was appealing because tight clothing would give me a feeling of compression, help me with establishing myself in space, and providing the deep touch theraputic bennifits I craved, but didn't understand why; Therefore, the only rational explination for me, was it must be dirty.

It was durring my teen years, while endulging this phellia online that I discovered Zentai. I wanted so desperately to own one, but I NEVER figured I would. Once I was diagnosed with AS, I was suddenly free from personal , mental oppression to try all kinds of new things, I first raided a box of my sisters old clothing at my parents house, gathering up Leotards, tights, tight shirts, and long gloves. I wore them around the house whenever I was alone, and even slept in them, which proved VERY effective at helping with my insomnia.

Next, I bought compression clothing, which had also previousely felt oddly "Kinky" I still felt wierd buying it in the sporting goods store. (Despite my very fit physicality) I then bought a divesuit,. Following this, I left for School for a few months; Upon my return, I bought my own, new tights online, and then I remembered the full body zentai, and realized I too was now free to purchase one.
It took a little time for all of these things to not feel sexual, after my years of building them up to be some kind of inherently sexual and kinky things, but I am completely comfortable wearing most of these things without feeling odd or sexually arroused at all by them.
I have not worn leotards or cloves since that initial experience, and I think it would still feel odd. I don't think it should though, They did offer a nice feeling of compression accross my torso. I just don't like the wide cut at the neck, and they still feel very effeminate to me.

I do not find any of things to be sexual. I found them to be sexual in my teen years, simply because of shame. The fact that I didn't understand either sex, or my infatuation particularly well, meant they both carried that same awkward, "Tabboo" dirty feeling, and they got all mixed up together while I was trying to make sense of them, after all, there are plenty of people who do find them sexual; and it seemed only rational to me, from a logical, objective viewpoint, that I MUST find them arousing as well. In retrospect I can see that this was not the case, and it was simply me, trying to justify emotions and compultions to myself which were diffucult for me to understand not having all the facts at the time.

BAck to the primary topic:
I have mentioned before, that the feeling of Zentai is unique; it's not like having tights on all over your body. It isn't as constrictive (unfortunately) and it lacks the feeling of pressure that Compression clothing, and Leotards provide; Though I think if I buy one a little thinner, I might have better luck with the compression. They do however provide a feeling of all over, consistant, tactile sensation, and do an amazing job of muting out the world. I highly recommend them to anybody with sensory integration issues, or ASD.

-Following the conversation-

I appologize for the long gap in posts (Not that anybody reads this blog anyway) but I have been a bit busy recently.


I recently had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend, She wanted explinations as to why I had broken things off.
I felt that she didn't take my Autism seriousely; she always told me that I used it as a crutch, and an excuse. This hurt me because it was clear how little she realized the struggle it is for me to come across as "normal." With anybody else, that is a compliment, but she had seen me out of the world, when things are more "Normal" for me. Which is VERY ABNORMAL for most people. She's seen me freak out in public, she knew the kinds of things we needed to avoid for me to function. She was always accomedating, but somehow, she still felt I was.....I don't know, maybe faking? or something, I'm not exactly sure what her thought was exactly....

The point of this post however is to focus on the conversation we had, and the fact that I couldn't follow a thing she was talking about; My mind wanders, even in situations which, I know are important and imotional, I was quoting movie lines, Counting, and quoting automotive facts in my head the whole time.
I was honest about what was on my mind: I told her what I was thinking, when she asked me. Turns out, this wasn't the best idea. Not that it really matters what was said since we had broken up, but I still didn't want to hurt her feelings.
-Unfortunately, I did.

I'm not tactfull, I'm not sensitive, I don't say the right things.....Don't get me wrong; I'm happy with myself, but sometimes, It would be nice to say the right thing. I have an extensive vocabulary, and I am quite elequent, but I just can't say the right words. Compound that by the fact that I was raised to be the type of person who "Keeps it in" and you have a mess of awkward conversations and insensitivity.

Wow, It's been a while sonce I posted.....not that anybody's reading in real time anyway.

Here is another topic important to understanding the ASD:

I am a man of Obsession. I'm Not Obsessive-Compulsive, I just develop fixations, I have no control over what I develop fixations toward. They can come and go. one day I will be completely obsessed with a thing, then the next day, It will be irrelavant, and immaterial to me.


The types of things upon which I fixate can varry wildly; Anything from movies, and history, to machinery or music.
I need my fixations, They help me have purpose. When I have no obsession, I feel out of sorts, confused, and bewildered. Redundant? Yes, but it illustrates my point. I currently have no obsession. It's odd; When I'm fixated on something, it gives me more focus in all aspects of my life.
I feel a strange and unique connection to whatever it is over which I am obsessing; It consumes me. Not to the point that it gets in the way of my life, just that I become so attached to, and fascenated by it, that it's all about which I can think, and The only thing I want to discuss. I will spend all my free time pouring over resorces concerning that topic, I will fashion myself into an expert, knowing all aspects of it out of hand; not because I particualarly, conciencousely want to, but because I am compelled in a way which I don't think most people could understand. After establishing a superior knowledgebase regarding my topic (whatever it may be) I will promptly......forget it.
Yes, It will completely leave my mind, and I will not be able to remember, or keep straight the facts which I have been studying and obsession over so much. It's almost like my brain is making room for the next onslaught of unformation regarding the next topic over which I unwittingly become obsessed.

I don't know why, really. All I know is that is what happens.

Forgive me for not being more elequent, or covering the topic more, but I'm not in a particularly conversive mood at the moment. I'm sure this is yet another topic which will undoubtedly come up again, and I will extrapolate on it further then.

Dealing with Tactile issues, and discussing Zentai

Zentai is the name of stretchy, tight, bodysuits that cover you entirely, from head to foot.
They are usually Considered fetishwear, but are also worn for other reasons, comfort, costumes, and for something which completely eludes me, Team Pride at sporting events sporting events. However another reason is for Deep Touch Pressure Therapy, and people with tactile issues.
I bought one two days ago, The feeling is amazing.
It provides gentle consistant pressure over the entire body, even the hands and feet. I would suggest getting one with the zipper inside-out, that way you can turn the suit inside-out, and the seams will be on the outside, and therefore won't be bothersome - if you, like I, have issues with the seams on clothing.
I have always worn my shirts, socks, and underwear inside out, or cut the tags out of everything which cannot be turned insite out.

While we're on the subject, I have started wearing only "comfort soft" underwear. No Tags, no seams, and no exposed elastic. So Nice.
I don't know how many people actually notice those things, but I definately do. Comfort soft underwear seems to be MADE for people with ASD's and Sensory issues.

Back to Zentai, It's amazing how calming it is wearing one of these suits. all other physical stimuli are completely drowned out, just like wearing Compression clothing, or Tights, only without the distraction of waistebands, and shirts riding up; plus, as an added bonus. you get coverage over the hands, feet, and head. This might be too much for people with claustrophobia, but I find it very nice.
For people whom might find a complete suit claustrophopic, there are dance stores online which sell Unitards, with hands and feet, but no head coverings. Also, you can get them with exposed hands, or obviousely, with no hands, feet, or head covering. These are also often called Catsuits.
Just as with Zentai, these products are often worn for Fetish/Sexual reasons, and you may need to make yourself look past that, and remember that this is for non-sexual, medical porposes.

Another product used for tactile, and deep pressure therapy is something called a "Silly-Sack" it's a lycra/spandex square sack with a zipper along the back. The same company which makes Silly-Sacks, also makes tight, spandex/lycra blankets, and swings. All these products are for deep touch therapy, and for people who have a hard time establishing their place in space.
I have a hard time with spacial management. I lean against walls whenever I can to feel the pressure, and I sleep on couches so more of my body is being touched at a time.

Personally, I have never used SillySacks, Swings, Or Sheets, but I can understand the appeal. I prefer more mobile applications of the theraputic methods.
Compression clothing, Unitards, tights, divesuits, and now zentai. I can wear these under my clothing, and mute out the tactile sensory input from my clothing, and provide the pressure I need to help me focus, and get through my day.
If I slept on beds, I would definately buy one of those pressure sheets, They sound really nice, and effective.

My advice is based on personal experience, and what I recommend may not work for you, and your specific situation, but it may be worth a try. I reccommend starting out with something inexpensive. Maybe a pair of soft tights, to give it a try. If you find that tights are effective for you, you may try something else.

WARNING: If you are male, and have a problem with wearing tights, but give it a try anyway, YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE. Trust me; give it time wearing them in your home, to become comfortable with just the idea of wearing tights. Once you get past the mental discomfort, you will be able to focus on the physical.

Questions can be e-mailed to me; I will not publish your emails, but I would be happy to help with any questions you may have.

Facial ques.

I mentioned these in my last post, but I thought I would bring up another personal experience.
I am an artist, I draw and digitally paint for a living. Specifically, I am an illustrator. It affords me the oppertunity to work alone, and I love it.

I am accomplished in capturing the gesture of my subjects, clothing and textures, Everything works well. I have worked hard, and comitted myself to being the best I can be. (It really is the only viable skill I have)

However, my work always gets the same critique: Frequently the faces in my work are plain, Emotionless, expressionless. I can't seem to avoid doing this. Once it's pointed out to me, I usually change it, and it looks fine, but I don't see it initially. Much like the clutter in my house, It can be plain as day, and for some reason I won't notice it until it is pointed out to me.

This all ties in with real life. I have mentioned that growing up, I had a hard time recognizing varried expressions, but I have not mentioned that I was all but unable to emote through expression, myself. I also always spoke in a low monotone with little to no inflection.
I had to learn these things, they didn't come naturally to me.
Now I often overdo my facial ques and vocal inflection. People say I often seem exagerated, and even cartoonish.

I don't know which is worse, understated or over; but now it is just natural to me to be loud, with exagerated expressions. Ironicly, hate loud people. They iritate me a lot.

Either way, I suppose this post is a little pointless, but I am posting it in hopes that it'll least be something to which someone might be able to relate.

Where's your sense of humor

Let's discuss, if we may, Sense of humor. This is a topic once again, covered by many autistic parenting books, but rarely told froom the viewpoint of someone who has lived through it personally.
Growing up, I found things funny, I would laugh at certain things, and I would make up nonsense jokes, like any kid. However, Sarcasm was WAY over my head. Now, granted sarcasm is way over many children's heads, but I think usually by age 10 they've figured it out. I was having a hard timme at 12. I could never tell when people were being sarcastic. I had a hard time reading autible inflection, and had a hard time associating proper facial ques.
Further, I took everything very literally and at face value. This led to many embarrassing moments as a child.
Though I didn't like being "out of the loop" on jokes, I learned at a young age not to force laughter, and not to try to figure out what people were joking about out loud.
It was better to remain silent, seem disinterrested, and not react then it was to be made fun of for reacting inapropriately. People thought I was an odd loner-type, but it was better then them thinking I was an idiot.

At 13 I decided to put my foot down. I was tired of always being made fun of, I was going to get Sarcastic humor if it killed me. I started watching the MTV cartoon "Daria" Just about any time the title character said anything, it was sarcastic. I payed close attention to what she said, and tried to grasp the humor, always reminding myself to not take what she said seriousely. I then tried some of her jokes for myself and got positive reactions! It was odd, I was telling jokes I could barely grasp, and people seemed to love it. I continued my studying of the sarcastic, and slowly I caught on.
it goes back to what I have said in previous posts, regarding the way I feel like I don't quite fit in with humanity, Like I'm a third party observer, doing research on some sort of tribal people I don't quite understand.

Anyway,
Now sarcasm, and subtle humor are my favorite things in films and television. In fact, I seem more in tuned to it than other people. I am always on the lookout for it, and seem to see it more clearly than most. even when the joke rely's solely on facial expressions to communicae the humor, I can see it now.
I still have a hard time interprating sarcasm in real life, and consequently, opperate under the assumption that people are not being sarcastic. This makes me "Stand-offish" and people say I seem cold, and disinterrested. I figure the same principle applies now that did in my youth; It's better to be aloof that look like an idiot. Besides, I don't much like most people anyway, so if they think I'm a jerk, that's allright with me. I realize this tactic wouldn't work of most people. It's my understanding that people in general like to make new friends, Personally I don't.

It isn't that I go out of my way to be rude, I just don't feel comfortable around people, least of all new people.

gainful employment

In this post I will (obviousely) be covering finding and keeping a job.

Getting and keeping a job CAN be a difficult thing to do, but with a little effort, it can be achieved and even enjoyed.

I have fortunately been able to get a job in the art industry. It affords me a working environment which is generally quiet, and sometimes I get to work from home.
However, I have had a lot of jobs in the past which weren't so accomedating for me.
I have also worked in Auto Garages, as a house framer, a roofer, carpet layer, and a ditch digger. just to name a few. Most of my jobs have been utilitarian, and not exactly quiet; and some days, I had a difficult ttime. But I wore ear-plugs, and I got by.

I had these jobs for a couple of reasons:

(1) I am a very hard worker, but I am very poor at retaining direction. I also have a hard time "multitasking"
(2) because of my poor people skills. because I bomb out of interviews, and I couldn't really work well interracting with customers, or even coworkers for that matter. I also get easily confused, and worked up durring one-on-one interaction.

Looking for a job can be very overwhelming, It can be hard to figure out where to begin, for what type of job you are qualified, andhow to figure out where you belong.

The key is to figure out what you can handle, what your strong suits are, and what you are capable of putting up with every day. For example, are you more likely to be okay in retail, office work, physical labor, etc.

Some of the more common things I have come up against, which I reccomend thinking about when looking for a job include:

- Can you handle flourescent lighting?
-are you sensitive to sound?
-are you good with human interaction?
-are you particularly good with numbers, or do you have some other trait unique to you? ( eg. I retain automotive information like a sponge)
-are you easily distracted
-Are you good with kids
-do you have particular clothing needs that might not be acceptable with a uniform of some sort.

Once you establish a criteria, it can make narrowing down possible jobs much easier. You will inevitably need to make comprimises with some of your criteria, but If you can figure out which issues are easier with which to cope it will make the entire process and experience, much easier.

With the jobs I have chosen, for the most part, I am able to work alone, and not have to remember a lot of direction. They are repetitive, and perfect for me. I worked those jobs to put myself through school, (which is another topic for another post) But I was able to work hard through school and now I have a job that accomodates ALL of my quirks and needs.

If you have any Questions or comments, please don't hesitate to ask, I'll do my best to help.

Tights: Take two.

Continuing with the current personal stories:
I bought a couple of new pairs of tights on sale a couple of days ago. They are made of Microfiber and they are AMAZING at drowning out sensory input. I have already found some Microfiber compression shirts online and can't wait until they get here.

-I would just like to take this oppertunity to reafirm that yes, I am in fact straight, and I achive no sexual satisfaction from wearing women's clothing. It is simply the most effective way I have found of working through my life as someone with an ASD.-

The tights have a brief at the top which is made of nylon, I guess it's a control top, but ionicly it stretches more than the microfiber, however this allows for extra comfort in the "Crotch area;" they have flat seams (very important for somebody like me) they are quiet soft, and are VERY tight all the way up. They also stay up, and in place without any problem, which is SO nice.
Every part stays snug and doesn't move at all, all day long.

as long as I am able, I will never buy another brand or fabric.
I'm really hoping my shirts are as comfortable. I usually seem to have bad luck with this sort of thing; there is always something slightly off, which with me is always a huge deal. I hate not being able to feel the fabric, see how tightly it will fit, how long the cut is vs. how tight it is. I really hope they work. I'm not made of money, and these particular shirts were really reasonably priced so I can buy more and spend less, which is obviousely a good thing.

In a similar story:
I have recently been in contact with another person living with Aspergers; She has many of my same issues, and copes with them the same ways I do. She suggested I try somethng called Zentai*. I am a little "iffy" to say the least. Though I must admit the idea does sound very appealing from a sensory point of view. She told me I need to try to look past the stigma, and look at it the same way I look at wearing tights. I am really considering it. Based on what she has told me, I believe it would be very comfortable and relaxing for me. No waistebands, wrist bands, collars, or mis matched materials, I also found out you can get them with individual toes. I know it may sound weird to you, but it sounds like another sensory issue resolved to me. I do worry about the zippers., I worry they will be distracting, but I suppose, that just like the new shirts, I won't know until I try.
I have looked into it, and have found some suits quite cheap online; though I may hold out to try to find some made of microfiber now, I'm not sure, It sounds so nice, and I may strike while the iron's hot (and the bank account has the finances) I am blowing a lot of money on sensory attire this week, and finances really aren't one of my strong suits. But that's another post, for another time.

Thank you for reading, I hope you found the post informative. Comments, suggestions, or questions are as always welcomed.

*For those who don't know, Zentai is the covering of the whole body, head to foot, in stretchy material; most often spandex or lycra, and is often done for sexual/fetish purposes.

Family life.

I guess It's about time to start updating with current experiences, Huh?
I have been visiting family lately. A horrible experience unto its self. I don't do well in any social gathering, and even family is no exception. The noise, the close quarters, the neices and nephews screaming and making trouble. it's a complete mess.
Fortunately, thanks to my insomnia, I do get a few hours of piece at night, somewhere between 11:00pm and 6:30am I find time to think and unwind.
don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, just not when they're all together at once.Today there was so much screaming, and I managed to forget my Noise Cancelling headphones back at home. I was sitting around covering my ears and rocking most of the day.
I've only had my diagnosis for a year now, and my family is still having a hard time adjusting, though they all agreed that covering my ears and rocking is far preferable to shouting and breaking things. (as mentioned Here:
Fortunately I was in my compression clothing underneith my clothes. It helped a lot. It's amazing what just cutting out the sensory agrivation of touch can do. but I still had a really hard time. Now it's late at night and the only sounds are the heater fan, the wall clock in the next room, and my computer fan.
Earlier things got so bad that I started ticking and jerking. Once so badly and violently I knocked my external harddrive off the table and broke it; in addition to losing all my software, files, contacts, and programes, the incident, of corse made things even worse. It's a realmess when you tick and break something, which causes you to tick even more.....go figure.

Tomorrow Is another day, and I will be helping unload trucks at the family owned Warehouse. That will most assuredly be a "fun" experience; it always is.

Regarding my compression clothing (meaning Tights and Compression shirts,) and the Family setting: In case anybody was currious, Only my mother knows about my compression clothing, and I would like to keep it that way. I may be physically comfortible in it, but I still am quite uncomfortable with the idea of it.
Besides, I think of it sort of like underwear, you wouldn't tell everyone you know about that for no reason, right? Granted, I wouldn't feel compelled to tell my mother about my underwear, but you get what I'm saying.
Besides, the reasons my mother knows are (1) She has always been supportive of me and has helped me through these strange times; and (2) I don't have a credit card, and she is kind enough to let me use hers to order my wears online.

Stims and ticks.

In this post I'm going to tackle stims and ticks. These are two things covered in a million and one books about raising autistic children, but I want to bring it from the perspective of a young adult living with AS.

Let's start with something that I don't think falls under Stims or Ticks. I really don't know what to call them, I guess just Quirks. I am referring to Things like Coverring ears, pacing, rocing, humming, counting, stutterring, or any combination of the above.

-TICKS

Ticks are often a calming, or theraputic device, a way of establishing ones place in space, or a reaction to something upsetting.
I have a number of stereotyped ticks, everything from blinking and head jerking, to bouncing my leg or flapping my hands. Ticks may come at inoppertune times; at work, in class, or worst of all on a date (as if dating weren't akward enough with AS) I often accompany my ticks with stutterring; I stutter when I'm trying to explain something to somebody who is having a hard time understanding me, when I have too much information scrolling through my head, or when I'm just genuinely upset.
My ticks are quite prevelant, and can be very intrusive and draw a lot of attention.

-STIMS

Stims. Those things we do that annoy the heck out of others and would normally annoy the heck out of us, if we weren't the ones doing it.
I have mentioned in other posts that I have issues with audible sensory input, the slightest sound may rub me the wrong way. However, If I'm the one doing it, and I am expecting the sound, there may, just MAY be the opposite response, it's not guaranteed, but it is possible.
Just the other day, I turned on a speaker on my computer, the speaker made a "pop" sound as electricity flowed in. It hurt my ears, but I was compelled to do it again, when I turned off the speaker, it made the noise again; back on "pop" back off, "pop" back on, back off, on, off, on.....this continued for about five minutes, all the while I was in a somewhat trance-like state.
I didn't mean to sit there turning the speaker off and on, and I certainly didn't mean to waste five minutes doing it. and If someone were to turn it on when I wasn't expecting it, I'm sure it would've hurt my ears, and I may have hurt my ears and made me tick, or worse.

Some stims can be harmful. I used to bash my fists together, punching until my knuckles bled, not because I was angry, or depressed, but because I was fascinated with the sensation. I also used to rub the part on my hand, just above the thumb until it bled; Again, not because I was depressed, or wanted to harm myself, I was just fascenated with the sensation.Of corse this was a difficult thing for most people to unerstand and it just perpetuated the theory that I was emotionally distraught........which of corse I wasn't.

Stims, Ticks, or Quirks, can get intrusive in our daily lives. It isn't always easy paying attention in class when something piques your sensory interrest and you tune everything else out. It isn't easy finding gainful employment when you get easily confused my audible direction, flap your hands, cover your ears, and aren't good with people. Not to mention that it can becume distracting to others, and draw attention to you and the fact that you may have something different about you. Personally, I hate it when people notice me, and when you're in public covering your ears and rocking, it tends to draw a lot of attention.

Sensory overload: Take one.

Have you ever been in a grocery store, and closed your eyes and payed attention to all the sounds and noises? Imagine if you heard all of those things all the time.Have you ever payed attention to the way your clothing brushes across your skin? or the slight breeze caused by people walking past you? Have you ever noticed all the flashing lights around you?, from signs to Cell phones?
Now Imagine if you coould hear, feel, and see these things ALL THE TIME; have no filter. My mind doesn't block out the unimportant things. Before my diagnosis, I always wondered how people could function iwith so many noises all arround them, or miss things I heard so clearly.

(1) SOUNDS.

A few weeks ago, I went into a large hardware store with my father (not my favorite place ever) Though it wasn't too busy I was really getting overloaded with stimuli. My father asked how this was possible, I pointed out all the things I could hear, see and feel: The hum from the flourescent lights, the BEEP of items being rung up at the front of the store, the rattling of the loose A/C fan, the squeeky shopping cart a few isles over, the screaming child in the distance, the table saw in the lumber section, the bird in the rafters, footsteps on the concrete floor and the bad music playing throughout. and that was just the things I could HEAR; All the things bothering my other senses were piled on top of all of that.
As we were talking about all this, a Voice came over the loud speaker; that was all I could handle. Overload. My hands covered my ears, I began pacing, and mudderring to myself, shaking my head side to side, and periodicly flapping my hands.
My father was embarrassed, I was a wreck, and so glad when we finally made it to the car.-I don't know why I always follow my father into places like that. When it's anybody else I just wait in the car, but my dad, even though he knows what those types of places do to me, for some reason that's beyond me, always draggs me in, and for some reason, I go.

Sensory overload is a very big issue for me.
Some of the ways I cope with such things include wearing headphones, earpluggs, sound muting headphones, dark sunglasses, and of corse my compression shirts and tights. I can function pretty well when I use one or a combination of these methods. But even with all the right measures taken, sometimes, things still happen.

(2) Lights

I have a difficult time with bright, flourescent, or flashing lights. And they are EVERYWHERE.Police lights really mess me up. I will get completely overloaded just from glancing at police lights. Needless to say, I am a perfect driver. There are, of corse other AS qualities which play into that, but that's another topic, for another time. I was a wreck when that fad of flashing LED lights on Cell phones was so popular. (And I have a really hard time with cell phones anyway.) Flourescent lights are also particularly upsetting, the light they cast is litterally painful to me, Not to mention the buzzing sound they make.

(3) Touch

I feel everything. I have mentioned a few times already that I can feel my clothing on my skin. Much of my youth was spent shirtless, but I can also feel even the slightest breezes from fans, heaters or A/C, even the slight breeze caused by people walking past me. I like physical contact, but I am very selective about who can touch me, and will often get overloaded and even violent when someone not on my mental list makes physical contact with me.
Deep pressure (tights, compression clothing) is paramount. Ever since I discovered it, I have craved it. I do MUCH better, and feel so comfortable when I have it.

So what can you take from this post? That Las Vegas would not be my kind of town AT ALL!!!Seriousely though, I hope somebody finds this post to b usefull.- But even more Seriousely, I really do keep away from Casinos at all costs.

That's it for this post, I'm positive that this is a topic I will be discussing often in the future.