Tights, take three: more of my history before my diagnosis.

Yes, we are delving deeper into the story regarding my wearing tight clothing; I know it's getting redundant, but it feels good after all these years to talk about it, and I really want to make sure that people know that having this compulsion can be a perfectly natural part of having an ASD; it doesn't make you gay, or unusual, it makes you autistic, or means you have sensory issues, I just don't want people to experience the shame and discomfort I experienced growing up if they don't have to.

I have always been compelled to wear tight fitting clothing, though I never knew why, I can remember as a boy of age 4 seeing my female cousin in a leotard, and being overcome with a desire to wear one, I was ashamed and didn't understand why I had the desire, (There but for an early diagnosis go I) I spent the rest of my childhood with the desire, My sisters swimsuits, leotards, tights, stretchpants, figureskating costumes, if it was anything tight, I was drawn toward it; I never acted on the compulsion, and never told anyone about it.

In my Teen years, This developed into a paraphelia, I would steal leotards, tights and things form laundry hampers, and even closets and dressers. I would wrap myself from head to toe in Tights and nylons; but not knowing why I was initially drawn to such things, and being a Christian, this always seemed somehow extremely dirty.
I knew I was not a transvestite, nor was I gay; I wasn't appealing because it was Taboo, or because they were women's clothing, It was appealing because tight clothing would give me a feeling of compression, help me with establishing myself in space, and providing the deep touch theraputic bennifits I craved, but didn't understand why; Therefore, the only rational explination for me, was it must be dirty.

It was durring my teen years, while endulging this phellia online that I discovered Zentai. I wanted so desperately to own one, but I NEVER figured I would. Once I was diagnosed with AS, I was suddenly free from personal , mental oppression to try all kinds of new things, I first raided a box of my sisters old clothing at my parents house, gathering up Leotards, tights, tight shirts, and long gloves. I wore them around the house whenever I was alone, and even slept in them, which proved VERY effective at helping with my insomnia.

Next, I bought compression clothing, which had also previousely felt oddly "Kinky" I still felt wierd buying it in the sporting goods store. (Despite my very fit physicality) I then bought a divesuit,. Following this, I left for School for a few months; Upon my return, I bought my own, new tights online, and then I remembered the full body zentai, and realized I too was now free to purchase one.
It took a little time for all of these things to not feel sexual, after my years of building them up to be some kind of inherently sexual and kinky things, but I am completely comfortable wearing most of these things without feeling odd or sexually arroused at all by them.
I have not worn leotards or cloves since that initial experience, and I think it would still feel odd. I don't think it should though, They did offer a nice feeling of compression accross my torso. I just don't like the wide cut at the neck, and they still feel very effeminate to me.

I do not find any of things to be sexual. I found them to be sexual in my teen years, simply because of shame. The fact that I didn't understand either sex, or my infatuation particularly well, meant they both carried that same awkward, "Tabboo" dirty feeling, and they got all mixed up together while I was trying to make sense of them, after all, there are plenty of people who do find them sexual; and it seemed only rational to me, from a logical, objective viewpoint, that I MUST find them arousing as well. In retrospect I can see that this was not the case, and it was simply me, trying to justify emotions and compultions to myself which were diffucult for me to understand not having all the facts at the time.

BAck to the primary topic:
I have mentioned before, that the feeling of Zentai is unique; it's not like having tights on all over your body. It isn't as constrictive (unfortunately) and it lacks the feeling of pressure that Compression clothing, and Leotards provide; Though I think if I buy one a little thinner, I might have better luck with the compression. They do however provide a feeling of all over, consistant, tactile sensation, and do an amazing job of muting out the world. I highly recommend them to anybody with sensory integration issues, or ASD.

Relationships? not likely.

I just want to say, right off the bat, that this isn't some "pity me" post, It is just a regular post partaining to relationships.

I just broke up with my Girlfriend of 8 months. She was really good to me; She respected my differences, and for the most part, tried to accomidate them whenever possible. She did however have a strange habit of randomly trying to convince me I didn'r have an ASD. I think maybe, despite her loving me, it was a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I can understand that.We had a lot in common though, from our political views, to the fact we despized most everybody (more on that in a later post) But despite how good we were together, I just couldn't make it work. She wanted to be with me all the time. In 8 months I got maybe 2 weeks (collectively) alone. and I am a VERY solitary creature. I can be alone for LONG periods of time and be more happy than a kid on Christmas.

She couldn't understand that. she didn't understand how even though I loved her, I didn't want to be with her. It's apparrently a difficult thing for "normal people" (pardon the venacular) to comprehend. I would've been pleased as punch to see her 2, Maybe 3 times a week; but whenever I tried to tell her that, she'd almost have a panic attack.
Finally it got to be too much, and I regretibly had to end it.
Breaking up was a strange thing for me. I have been umped in the past, but I've never done the dumping. Because of the way my mind works, I found myself looking at the whole experience as it unraveled from somewhat of a third party perspective. I kept having to snap myself back into the moment and try to show what I thought would be appropreate response. Most of the breakup was spent observing, wondering why she reacted certain ways, and trying to figure out how I should be reacting.....again, I thing this would be a hard thing for "normal people" to understand.
It's funny. Before I knew I had asperger's, I always wondered why people were able to react immediately, how certain things that I had to learn, were like instinct to them, Durring this new breaking up experience, I found myself being placed in a way back in the currious, observational position of my childhood.I think a solitary life is the curse of many people with Aspergers. (I hate the term Aspie - but again, another topic for another post) I can only speak from personal experience, but I don't even care to meet people because I conditioned myself as a child to expect rejection. Also, I find much of humanity to be intollerable, irrational, Irritating, and often disgusting.

So, what about you, Non-existant reader? what struggles have you, or (someone you love with an ASD) had in personal relationships? any? how have you learned to deal with it?Maybe you/they are perfectly adept at making and keeping friends and aquaintences.
I would love to find out, if you do exist, and have a moment, please leave me a note.

A little bit concerning my youth.

Post three, Part one: A little bit concerning my youth.

Growing up, I was homeschooled. I was pretty adept at making friends, but keeping them was difficult. while I was very friendly, I always had a hard time understanding things like sarcasm, social interractions, and I always had a tennancy to take things litterally and at face value. for example, I can remember being on a PeeWee baseball team, and some of the boys talking about "multiplication tables" and I sat trying to figure out why the heck kids were building replicas of tables in schools. These problems plagued me into my teen years. I was always awkward, I would often say innapropreate things and not realize it. I also tended to be very physical; I would beat up on my friends for no reason, and not mean to.

I would also have violent outbursts. My strong desire to cover my ears and rock back and forth when things upset me, or stim, was rivaled only by my fear I was "crazy" because of it. as such, stress and anxiety would build until I would lash out violently......I have broken knuckles punching walls, doors, tables, and even people more times than I would care to admit.

These outbursts obviousely concerned my parrents, who did what any concerned, carring parents would have done: They got me in to theripists.Despite my protests, and saying I wasn't depressed. I was soon diagnosed with everything from ADD, ADHD, Manic Depression, social anxiety disorder, turett's, bipolar disorder, every Psychological, or social disorder you could think of, axcept of corse for what I actually had.Needless to say I was given drugs for each syndrome, which had horrible adverse effects; But eventually my parrents saw that The help they so desperately wanted for me, was doing more harm than good, and I was taken off of every drug, and before long I was back to more or less normal.

Part two: "All my life I have been an observer of human nature, but not much of a participant.

"That's what I told my mother in my teenage years when we were discussing how I wasn't like other kids. Growing up autistic, for me was all very anthropological. A study of social dynamics. I could see how it worked, but couldn't make it work for me. I was different. I had very narrow interrests.

Part Three: Fixations and obsessions.

I don't choose my fixations, I just wake up one day obsessed with something new.

My earliest fixation which I can recall was Dinosaurs. At age five, my mother gave me a book called "The Dinosaur encyclopedia" (yes I could read, and read quite well at five) It was a book for adults, about 500 pages or so; I litterally memorized it. I didn't even mean to. I couldn't remember my friends names, or my street address, but reading once through that book I had memorized all the facts about every dinosaur in that book.Unfortunately, I can no longer remember much from that book. every time I get a new fixation, I forget everything from the last.
I don't know the order of all my fixations, but there have been a few, Dinosaurs, airplanes, guns, automobiles, ska music, american history, the list goes on, but it always involves learning everything I can about the history of whatever it is with which I fiind myself obsessed.