Here we are, almost a year since my last post. I've been meaning to keep up on this blog, but life has gotten in the way...also Marriage.

We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.

My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.

-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.

She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME  that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.

Marriage is hard.

I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance,  as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!

 However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much. 

Family life.

I guess It's about time to start updating with current experiences, Huh?
I have been visiting family lately. A horrible experience unto its self. I don't do well in any social gathering, and even family is no exception. The noise, the close quarters, the neices and nephews screaming and making trouble. it's a complete mess.
Fortunately, thanks to my insomnia, I do get a few hours of piece at night, somewhere between 11:00pm and 6:30am I find time to think and unwind.
don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, just not when they're all together at once.Today there was so much screaming, and I managed to forget my Noise Cancelling headphones back at home. I was sitting around covering my ears and rocking most of the day.
I've only had my diagnosis for a year now, and my family is still having a hard time adjusting, though they all agreed that covering my ears and rocking is far preferable to shouting and breaking things. (as mentioned Here:
Fortunately I was in my compression clothing underneith my clothes. It helped a lot. It's amazing what just cutting out the sensory agrivation of touch can do. but I still had a really hard time. Now it's late at night and the only sounds are the heater fan, the wall clock in the next room, and my computer fan.
Earlier things got so bad that I started ticking and jerking. Once so badly and violently I knocked my external harddrive off the table and broke it; in addition to losing all my software, files, contacts, and programes, the incident, of corse made things even worse. It's a realmess when you tick and break something, which causes you to tick even more.....go figure.

Tomorrow Is another day, and I will be helping unload trucks at the family owned Warehouse. That will most assuredly be a "fun" experience; it always is.

Regarding my compression clothing (meaning Tights and Compression shirts,) and the Family setting: In case anybody was currious, Only my mother knows about my compression clothing, and I would like to keep it that way. I may be physically comfortible in it, but I still am quite uncomfortable with the idea of it.
Besides, I think of it sort of like underwear, you wouldn't tell everyone you know about that for no reason, right? Granted, I wouldn't feel compelled to tell my mother about my underwear, but you get what I'm saying.
Besides, the reasons my mother knows are (1) She has always been supportive of me and has helped me through these strange times; and (2) I don't have a credit card, and she is kind enough to let me use hers to order my wears online.

Stims and ticks.

In this post I'm going to tackle stims and ticks. These are two things covered in a million and one books about raising autistic children, but I want to bring it from the perspective of a young adult living with AS.

Let's start with something that I don't think falls under Stims or Ticks. I really don't know what to call them, I guess just Quirks. I am referring to Things like Coverring ears, pacing, rocing, humming, counting, stutterring, or any combination of the above.

-TICKS

Ticks are often a calming, or theraputic device, a way of establishing ones place in space, or a reaction to something upsetting.
I have a number of stereotyped ticks, everything from blinking and head jerking, to bouncing my leg or flapping my hands. Ticks may come at inoppertune times; at work, in class, or worst of all on a date (as if dating weren't akward enough with AS) I often accompany my ticks with stutterring; I stutter when I'm trying to explain something to somebody who is having a hard time understanding me, when I have too much information scrolling through my head, or when I'm just genuinely upset.
My ticks are quite prevelant, and can be very intrusive and draw a lot of attention.

-STIMS

Stims. Those things we do that annoy the heck out of others and would normally annoy the heck out of us, if we weren't the ones doing it.
I have mentioned in other posts that I have issues with audible sensory input, the slightest sound may rub me the wrong way. However, If I'm the one doing it, and I am expecting the sound, there may, just MAY be the opposite response, it's not guaranteed, but it is possible.
Just the other day, I turned on a speaker on my computer, the speaker made a "pop" sound as electricity flowed in. It hurt my ears, but I was compelled to do it again, when I turned off the speaker, it made the noise again; back on "pop" back off, "pop" back on, back off, on, off, on.....this continued for about five minutes, all the while I was in a somewhat trance-like state.
I didn't mean to sit there turning the speaker off and on, and I certainly didn't mean to waste five minutes doing it. and If someone were to turn it on when I wasn't expecting it, I'm sure it would've hurt my ears, and I may have hurt my ears and made me tick, or worse.

Some stims can be harmful. I used to bash my fists together, punching until my knuckles bled, not because I was angry, or depressed, but because I was fascinated with the sensation. I also used to rub the part on my hand, just above the thumb until it bled; Again, not because I was depressed, or wanted to harm myself, I was just fascenated with the sensation.Of corse this was a difficult thing for most people to unerstand and it just perpetuated the theory that I was emotionally distraught........which of corse I wasn't.

Stims, Ticks, or Quirks, can get intrusive in our daily lives. It isn't always easy paying attention in class when something piques your sensory interrest and you tune everything else out. It isn't easy finding gainful employment when you get easily confused my audible direction, flap your hands, cover your ears, and aren't good with people. Not to mention that it can becume distracting to others, and draw attention to you and the fact that you may have something different about you. Personally, I hate it when people notice me, and when you're in public covering your ears and rocking, it tends to draw a lot of attention.

Sensory overload: Take one.

Have you ever been in a grocery store, and closed your eyes and payed attention to all the sounds and noises? Imagine if you heard all of those things all the time.Have you ever payed attention to the way your clothing brushes across your skin? or the slight breeze caused by people walking past you? Have you ever noticed all the flashing lights around you?, from signs to Cell phones?
Now Imagine if you coould hear, feel, and see these things ALL THE TIME; have no filter. My mind doesn't block out the unimportant things. Before my diagnosis, I always wondered how people could function iwith so many noises all arround them, or miss things I heard so clearly.

(1) SOUNDS.

A few weeks ago, I went into a large hardware store with my father (not my favorite place ever) Though it wasn't too busy I was really getting overloaded with stimuli. My father asked how this was possible, I pointed out all the things I could hear, see and feel: The hum from the flourescent lights, the BEEP of items being rung up at the front of the store, the rattling of the loose A/C fan, the squeeky shopping cart a few isles over, the screaming child in the distance, the table saw in the lumber section, the bird in the rafters, footsteps on the concrete floor and the bad music playing throughout. and that was just the things I could HEAR; All the things bothering my other senses were piled on top of all of that.
As we were talking about all this, a Voice came over the loud speaker; that was all I could handle. Overload. My hands covered my ears, I began pacing, and mudderring to myself, shaking my head side to side, and periodicly flapping my hands.
My father was embarrassed, I was a wreck, and so glad when we finally made it to the car.-I don't know why I always follow my father into places like that. When it's anybody else I just wait in the car, but my dad, even though he knows what those types of places do to me, for some reason that's beyond me, always draggs me in, and for some reason, I go.

Sensory overload is a very big issue for me.
Some of the ways I cope with such things include wearing headphones, earpluggs, sound muting headphones, dark sunglasses, and of corse my compression shirts and tights. I can function pretty well when I use one or a combination of these methods. But even with all the right measures taken, sometimes, things still happen.

(2) Lights

I have a difficult time with bright, flourescent, or flashing lights. And they are EVERYWHERE.Police lights really mess me up. I will get completely overloaded just from glancing at police lights. Needless to say, I am a perfect driver. There are, of corse other AS qualities which play into that, but that's another topic, for another time. I was a wreck when that fad of flashing LED lights on Cell phones was so popular. (And I have a really hard time with cell phones anyway.) Flourescent lights are also particularly upsetting, the light they cast is litterally painful to me, Not to mention the buzzing sound they make.

(3) Touch

I feel everything. I have mentioned a few times already that I can feel my clothing on my skin. Much of my youth was spent shirtless, but I can also feel even the slightest breezes from fans, heaters or A/C, even the slight breeze caused by people walking past me. I like physical contact, but I am very selective about who can touch me, and will often get overloaded and even violent when someone not on my mental list makes physical contact with me.
Deep pressure (tights, compression clothing) is paramount. Ever since I discovered it, I have craved it. I do MUCH better, and feel so comfortable when I have it.

So what can you take from this post? That Las Vegas would not be my kind of town AT ALL!!!Seriousely though, I hope somebody finds this post to b usefull.- But even more Seriousely, I really do keep away from Casinos at all costs.

That's it for this post, I'm positive that this is a topic I will be discussing often in the future.

A little bit concerning my youth.

Post three, Part one: A little bit concerning my youth.

Growing up, I was homeschooled. I was pretty adept at making friends, but keeping them was difficult. while I was very friendly, I always had a hard time understanding things like sarcasm, social interractions, and I always had a tennancy to take things litterally and at face value. for example, I can remember being on a PeeWee baseball team, and some of the boys talking about "multiplication tables" and I sat trying to figure out why the heck kids were building replicas of tables in schools. These problems plagued me into my teen years. I was always awkward, I would often say innapropreate things and not realize it. I also tended to be very physical; I would beat up on my friends for no reason, and not mean to.

I would also have violent outbursts. My strong desire to cover my ears and rock back and forth when things upset me, or stim, was rivaled only by my fear I was "crazy" because of it. as such, stress and anxiety would build until I would lash out violently......I have broken knuckles punching walls, doors, tables, and even people more times than I would care to admit.

These outbursts obviousely concerned my parrents, who did what any concerned, carring parents would have done: They got me in to theripists.Despite my protests, and saying I wasn't depressed. I was soon diagnosed with everything from ADD, ADHD, Manic Depression, social anxiety disorder, turett's, bipolar disorder, every Psychological, or social disorder you could think of, axcept of corse for what I actually had.Needless to say I was given drugs for each syndrome, which had horrible adverse effects; But eventually my parrents saw that The help they so desperately wanted for me, was doing more harm than good, and I was taken off of every drug, and before long I was back to more or less normal.

Part two: "All my life I have been an observer of human nature, but not much of a participant.

"That's what I told my mother in my teenage years when we were discussing how I wasn't like other kids. Growing up autistic, for me was all very anthropological. A study of social dynamics. I could see how it worked, but couldn't make it work for me. I was different. I had very narrow interrests.

Part Three: Fixations and obsessions.

I don't choose my fixations, I just wake up one day obsessed with something new.

My earliest fixation which I can recall was Dinosaurs. At age five, my mother gave me a book called "The Dinosaur encyclopedia" (yes I could read, and read quite well at five) It was a book for adults, about 500 pages or so; I litterally memorized it. I didn't even mean to. I couldn't remember my friends names, or my street address, but reading once through that book I had memorized all the facts about every dinosaur in that book.Unfortunately, I can no longer remember much from that book. every time I get a new fixation, I forget everything from the last.
I don't know the order of all my fixations, but there have been a few, Dinosaurs, airplanes, guns, automobiles, ska music, american history, the list goes on, but it always involves learning everything I can about the history of whatever it is with which I fiind myself obsessed.

I wear Tights

I have decided to post this story first, because I think it needs to be put out the soonest. This was my biggest issue, and the one on which I have had the hardest time finding valuable information while doing my own research after my Diagnosis

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I wear tights. Despite being a man, being very straight, and being quite conservative, I do in fact, wear tights. My reasoning is not that of a sexual nature however. As part of my Asperger's, I have sensory issues. I hear everything, I am very senssitive to colors and light, and I feel everything on my skin; as such, in addition to many other things, I feel my clothing moving across my skin constantly.
A couple of months ago I decided to start wearing Under Armor-like clothing. I still wear the shirts, but the pants I found very uncomfortable. The elastic openings at the waist and ankles supplied unwanted pressure, and I found I was more aware of them, then I was the pants I found so distracting. I feel like I should give you some history. Growing up, I was always drawn to tight clothing: Tights, leotards, spandex etc. and growing up in the 80's and 90's with 2 older sisters, it was everywhere. Unfortunately, being raised very conservative, and not knowing I had an ASD I never understood, and was always ashamed of this attraction, and therefore never acted on it. In my mind, such things were intended only for women.
It should be noted, that my parrents never said it was wrong, (not that I ever brought it to their attention) and in retrospect, I have no doubt they would have been very supportive.
Throughout my adolescence, this was consistantly a problem, and my misunderstanding and shame drove me to go the opposite route. I wore clothing FAR to large for me; I had a very hard time focusing, concentrating, I had frequent, often violent outbursts, and just in general, I was incredibly uncomfortable and unhappy.
Into my teen years, my misunderstanding, and humiliation naturally evolved into an awkward belief that my desire for tight pressure must be a kind of sexual fetish, as all my research into the subject seemed to point only that way. I was confused, I didn't know what to do about it; It didn't seem like a sexual fetish, though my misunderstanding did make it feel dirty and made me feel like some kind of freak. (even more that an undiagnosed ASD kid already does)
Then came my diagnosis of Asperger's. As I did more research, I came across Deep Pressure therapy. My world was wide open. I couldn't believe it. As I read, all the confusion, the shame, the misunderstanding, ALL OF IT, melted away.
Tight clothing mutes out the feeling of my clothing brushing accross my skin, wind blowing on me, and other physical stimuli to which I am so sensitive; I find these things overwhelming, and when I mute them out, I am far less likely to suffer sensory overload.
I now wear tights and compression shirts pretty much every day. I do still keep it a secret,( I don't wear them openly) but I am very focused, I have far less outbursts, I can cope with and tollerate stimuli much easier, and I am finally happy and comfortable.

If you have these same sensory issues, but feel strange wearing women's tights, http://www.welovecolors.com/ has "men's" tights for pretty cheap. I don't know what the difference is between men's and women's tights, but they are there. I used to own a pair, but they disapeared; they tend to run large, just for the heads up.