My wife actually took me to a Cook-Doctor earlier this summer to try to "Cure" me. -That hurt. A LOT! I couldn't believe that she was so uncomfortable with me that she would try to change my neurological pathways to fit what she wanted in a husband.

Of course it failed, and was a gigantic waste of money, but I went anyhow, because I am doing everything I can to make her happy. -I'm just not sure I'll be able to.

I personally don't believe Autism can be cured, Prevented perhaps, in the future, but I don't think it could be cured. Not only that, but I don't believe I need a cure. Sure, I am a flawed, and imperfect person, I have my idiosyncrasies, but I am happy, confident, and functional "Enough" and I wouldn't accept a change being made to my neurology any more than I believe anybody else would.

Here we are, almost a year since my last post. I've been meaning to keep up on this blog, but life has gotten in the way...also Marriage.

We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.

My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.

-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.

She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME  that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.

Marriage is hard.

I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance,  as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!

 However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much. 

Marriage.

Much has happened since my last post.
-Lets just discuss the most important: I got Married....and I got married to the ex-girlfriend mentioned in my last post.

Marriage has proven to be a far more difficult beast to tackle than I had ever anticipated. Due largely to my own issues, and the difficulties which accompany my AS.

I am not built for being close, I am not built for being around anybody for long periods of time.
I have a very loving, and understanding wife, but all the same, I don't imagine it's been any easier for her than for me. Aside from "the regular" issues, I understand accompany most newlyweds, there are key things which I know bother her:

-I am an insomniac, and she likes to sleep together (though not touching)
-I never stop moving/ticking, and it (understandably) gets taxing.
-I am an artist and writer, and we have differing views on MANY important issues under that umbrella.
-I don't make a lot of money. I'm fine with that, and live my life accordingly. My Wife, however, is not as okay with this.
-Our diets differ greatly. I, being a creature of habit, like the things I like, and don't like many of the things she likes. I usually eat little more than: Miniwheats for Breakfast, Peanut butter sandwiches for lunch; Dinner admittedly varies.
The Mrs. is a more health-conscious person, preferring low calorie, low fat, and lighter foods....though I'm afraid my unwillingness to compromise has made her alter her diet.
-I am VERY pragmatic. My logic is a source of tenuousness between us. I acknowledge facts and don't act or speak based off emotions, and she is fairly illogical.....as are most people, in my experience.

I'm trying to learn to be a better husband, while still trying to figure out how to be a better, more "Well adjusted" adult.
It's not easy. I don't ever feel comfortable, I feel on edge much of the time, Despite how very understanding, and accommodating she is, and how hard she works to make sure I'm comfortable, and tries to not let things about me bother her I know things are still bothering her.
-People may not understand it, but I'm too rational to NOT recognizer that it's an issue for her.

A genuine experience

I recently was speaking with an ex-girlfriend; She was the first girl I had ever told about my autism, She was the first I had told about my compression clothing, and the only I have ever told about my wearing tights.
Despite the fact I occassionally felt that some aspects of my AS were hard for her to accept, She has always been accomidating, kind, and understanding. She always wanted to make sure I was comfortable, and alright in situations.
I was the one who broke things off with her, I felt like I was holding her back. She had so much potential, and I thought she was backpedaling for me....but that's neither here, nor there.

Inspite of everything, we have managed to stay decently good friends. When I had origonally told her about my compression clothing, it piqued her interest. While for slightly different reasons, She also hated the feeling of loose clothing, and loved the tight compression afforded her by Leotards, swimsuits, tights, and even camisols;
so when I told her I had a divesuit in which I occasionally slept, she requested imediately to try it on. I agreed to let her, she did, we had a good laugh and she put it back. We talked about it a few times throughout our regretably short relationship, and she would comment about it, and even nicknamed it my "Yummy" while my other compression clothing she referred to as my "Stretchy."

Last week I was talking to her, and I got up the nerve to tell her about my Zentai (something about which, despite the comfort it offers me, I still feel a little awkward) When I told her, she thought it was great; She told me she thought my divesuit was very comfortable, and would love to see, and even try on the Zentai, If I would let her.

Over the next week, I showed her a picture of me in it, (which I had taken to try to make myself feel more comfortable) and then even showed the suit to her (though not while wearing it) She was very encouraging, and comfortable with it; She told me if she had one, she would wear it openly, and thought it seemed like it would be very comfortable. I told her it was very comfortable, but I was a little uncomfortable about admitting to wearing the suit, given it's often sexual connotations. She encouraged me to not be ashamed, told me she knew me well enough to know my motives for it, and even suggested she and I have a "Yummy-movie night" where I would wear my suit, and she a Unitard, or other such lycra garment, to help me feel more comfortable.

I haven't yet taken her up on her offer, but I must admit, being that physicaly comfortable, while with someone, with whom I could feel that emotionally comfortable, does hold some appeal to me. I would very much like to have that experience, and perhaps put some of my apprehensoins to rest, and hopefully, feel more comfortable with myself, and my situation.

-Following the conversation-

I appologize for the long gap in posts (Not that anybody reads this blog anyway) but I have been a bit busy recently.


I recently had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend, She wanted explinations as to why I had broken things off.
I felt that she didn't take my Autism seriousely; she always told me that I used it as a crutch, and an excuse. This hurt me because it was clear how little she realized the struggle it is for me to come across as "normal." With anybody else, that is a compliment, but she had seen me out of the world, when things are more "Normal" for me. Which is VERY ABNORMAL for most people. She's seen me freak out in public, she knew the kinds of things we needed to avoid for me to function. She was always accomedating, but somehow, she still felt I was.....I don't know, maybe faking? or something, I'm not exactly sure what her thought was exactly....

The point of this post however is to focus on the conversation we had, and the fact that I couldn't follow a thing she was talking about; My mind wanders, even in situations which, I know are important and imotional, I was quoting movie lines, Counting, and quoting automotive facts in my head the whole time.
I was honest about what was on my mind: I told her what I was thinking, when she asked me. Turns out, this wasn't the best idea. Not that it really matters what was said since we had broken up, but I still didn't want to hurt her feelings.
-Unfortunately, I did.

I'm not tactfull, I'm not sensitive, I don't say the right things.....Don't get me wrong; I'm happy with myself, but sometimes, It would be nice to say the right thing. I have an extensive vocabulary, and I am quite elequent, but I just can't say the right words. Compound that by the fact that I was raised to be the type of person who "Keeps it in" and you have a mess of awkward conversations and insensitivity.

Relationships? not likely.

I just want to say, right off the bat, that this isn't some "pity me" post, It is just a regular post partaining to relationships.

I just broke up with my Girlfriend of 8 months. She was really good to me; She respected my differences, and for the most part, tried to accomidate them whenever possible. She did however have a strange habit of randomly trying to convince me I didn'r have an ASD. I think maybe, despite her loving me, it was a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I can understand that.We had a lot in common though, from our political views, to the fact we despized most everybody (more on that in a later post) But despite how good we were together, I just couldn't make it work. She wanted to be with me all the time. In 8 months I got maybe 2 weeks (collectively) alone. and I am a VERY solitary creature. I can be alone for LONG periods of time and be more happy than a kid on Christmas.

She couldn't understand that. she didn't understand how even though I loved her, I didn't want to be with her. It's apparrently a difficult thing for "normal people" (pardon the venacular) to comprehend. I would've been pleased as punch to see her 2, Maybe 3 times a week; but whenever I tried to tell her that, she'd almost have a panic attack.
Finally it got to be too much, and I regretibly had to end it.
Breaking up was a strange thing for me. I have been umped in the past, but I've never done the dumping. Because of the way my mind works, I found myself looking at the whole experience as it unraveled from somewhat of a third party perspective. I kept having to snap myself back into the moment and try to show what I thought would be appropreate response. Most of the breakup was spent observing, wondering why she reacted certain ways, and trying to figure out how I should be reacting.....again, I thing this would be a hard thing for "normal people" to understand.
It's funny. Before I knew I had asperger's, I always wondered why people were able to react immediately, how certain things that I had to learn, were like instinct to them, Durring this new breaking up experience, I found myself being placed in a way back in the currious, observational position of my childhood.I think a solitary life is the curse of many people with Aspergers. (I hate the term Aspie - but again, another topic for another post) I can only speak from personal experience, but I don't even care to meet people because I conditioned myself as a child to expect rejection. Also, I find much of humanity to be intollerable, irrational, Irritating, and often disgusting.

So, what about you, Non-existant reader? what struggles have you, or (someone you love with an ASD) had in personal relationships? any? how have you learned to deal with it?Maybe you/they are perfectly adept at making and keeping friends and aquaintences.
I would love to find out, if you do exist, and have a moment, please leave me a note.