Lists

I think it may be important to mention lists.

At a Very young age, Over a decade before my diagnosis of Asperger's my mother recognized my need for lists to function day-to-day.
She realized that if she asked me to do something, I would forget, I would forget to do pretty much everything. Not because I was a belligerent child, not because I wanted to misbehave, but because they would simply not register as important to me.

My mother had make me lists for everything, from my routine in the morning, to what time I should eat; Times to play something not involving my obsession, to what things I'd need to remember when I left the house.

My father was FAR less understanding. He couldn't understand how, his son could be old enough to read, and remember every last thing he had ever learned about Dinosaurs, but couldn't remember to do his chores, or what he had read for his homework.
-This would actually be the catalyst for a lot of strain between my father, and myself (but that is probably something best left for another post)

Despite my troubles with my father not understanding, my Mother simply tried to accommodate me, by making lists.

If my mother wanted something done - for example: Take out the trash. It would go on the list, because she knew I would forget that she had asked me.

However, she still would ask me. I would completely freak out if something was on the list, and I didn't have prior knowledge to reference to. It would completely become an overwhelming thing to me, and most often result in outbursts, Screaming, rocking, hitting, and eventually "Shutting Down."

Even now, Lists are the only thing that keep me functioning. To this day, I still run through my checklist in the morning, before I go out, to remember to eat, and even buy groceries. Not a grocery list, but a task on the list.

-Tuesday- Brush teeth, Shower, Shave, Get Dressed, T.O. Garbage, exercise, Eat Breakfast, Buy Groceries.....etc.

Then there are sub lists; One taped next to the door reads what I like to have with me to go out:

Zippo, Handkerchief, Pocket knife, Wallet, Phone, Hat, Watch, Jacket.

Lists are a helpful way of getting by, and putting order into your life. I'll even set alarm clocks, Cell Phone Event reminders, Anything, and everything I can to keep my life on track, and keep me functioning.

If you have a hard time remembering things, I highly recommend you make yourself some lists. Look into it, It is well worth your time.

Films and the like

A word of advice to anybody with aspergers: Don't watch films about Aspergers with anybody who knows about your condition. -It is a very unerving experience, one which I first encountered when my Family decided they wanted to watch Mozart and the Whale with me.
The entire time was an awkward verbal comparison of me. Every time a character did something, it was followed by a response of "That's just like Roscoe" or the opposite. I couldn't take the screwtanizing eyes, and turned off the film half way through.

the other day an aquantance rented a film called "Adam" We didn't know it at the time, but it;s about a man, age 30 with Aspergers; again, the stares, and comparisons, though thankfully, not nearly as much as the Mozart and the Whale experience.

Since I haven't written anything in a while, I want to talk about these two films, and without devulging any "Spoilers" regarding the films plots, give my opinions as someone with AS.

Mozart and the Whale:

Mozart and the whale is a film about a 20-something man and a 20-Something Woman both with AS, and both exhibiting different symptoms of their shared syndrome, who meet at somewhat of a support group for people with various forms of Autism. The film can be very insightful, and since it centers around two people with such different symptoms of AS, it is easy to relate, if not to both characters, at least to one. The movie doesn't shy away from the negative sides of AS, but also shows how tallented, and caring people with AS can be, despite our poor social skills. In my opinion, the film sheds a positive light on people with AS without being patranizing. The film can be a little overwhelming, as it has no subplot, and is very focused on telling it's one story. However, while it is a little too straight forward and and drawn out, if you have AS and can relate to the situations on screen, it is still a pretty good watch.

Adam:
Adam is about a man with AS who is 30, the film opens with the main character, Adam at a funeral for his father. Apparently Adam has been living with his father all his life, and now finds himself on his own for the first time. The film was good, and it had a secondary plot that made it easier to watch for people who couldn't relate to the character.
Adam has a much Higher functioning form of AS than the characters on Mozart and the Whale, he fixates on Astronomy, and doesn't like changes in his routine, or crowd situations, but aside from, and even despite that, he was a very high functioning character.
The film wasn't bad, but at times seemed more like a commercial for how friends and Family could cope with loved ones having AS, in the way they tried to explain it for the audience.

On a side note: Durring one scene Adam refers to himself as "An Aspie" -I hate that term. I have never met anyone with an actual diagnosis who refers to themselves as such, and I find it to be almost offensive. If someone has ADD you wouldn't refer to them as an "Aidy"

In my experience, the term is most commonly used by people who just THINK they have AS, or people who tell people they have AS for the attention and sense of identity.

But I digress, Adam (so I am old) Is a much easire film to watch for people without AS than the afore mentioned, Mozard and the Whale. Personally, I enjoyed the film well enough, but found The lead character's "level of functionality" harder to relate.

obsessions, fixations and the need for Lists.

I am a man of obsession; Not in an obsessive-compulsive way, I fixate on things.
Randomly, things will be come extremely important to me. I have no control over what things will suddenly interest me.


Whether it be a period in history, an object, a machine, a philosophy, or a subculture.... whatever it is, I'll learn everything I can about the subject: The history of it, the purpose and functionality, the practical reasoning behind the decisions, the mythology...Everything. It will become all I think about. Nothing else will matter.



These fixations will change, evolve; I'll be interested solely on one thing, and become an expert on the subject, and as soon as another fixation comes along, forget most everything about the previous. This usually happens abruptely.



Even when I'm not obsessing about some new fixation, Art is always a constant for me. I chose a career in art because it affords me time to be alone, I can work doing what I want, in the comfort of my own home. However I have to be careful, I will be so emerssed in my artwork, that I will forget to eat, sleep, and even lose track of time to the point of not knowing what day it is. I wake up and imediately get to work, and I fall asleep doing the same.

This brings us to lists. My mother learned when I was very young to give me lists of what I would need to do, what to take with me when I left the house, and even my hygene and eating routine.
This is something that, even now as an adult, I have to do for myself in order to function daily.

I follow a set routine, I have certain things I always do, and carry with me. A well regimented schedual, and To-do lists
are very useful to me. Further, always carrying the same objects with me is a comforting, and often useful habit to keep. On my person, at any time, I keep a pocket knife, a zippo lighter, my wallet, phone, shop towel, and keys. these are things I put in my pockets every morning, before I brush my teeth. They're on the list, and if I forget even one of them, I find myself oddly thrown off by the entire day. I suppose I crave consistancy.

Insomnia, and

Insomnia, One of the symptoms that stretches across the entire spectrum of Autism Disorders.
It is amazing to most people how little I actually sleep. I can function at full copacity for an entire day with 3-4 hours of sleep with absolutely no fatigue. I just don't need sleep.
I don't know if it's a subconcious decision because it's so quiet at night, or if it's just the way I'm wired, but I usually force myself asleep around 5 or 6 in the A.M. feeling wide awake as I do.
I have heard that this is a common event with people with ASD's, I guess it gets somewhat taxing on the parents of younger children.
Personally, my parents used to try to get me to sleep, but that was so long ago, I don't even remember it. They also tried to stay awake with me, but soon found that impossible, and left me to my late night devices. I spent my nights somewhat productively, reading books far beyond my age level, drawing, admittedly playing nintendo, or movies from our meager collection of Disney cassettes. I would play with GI Joes, build forts, anything really, so long as I didn't leave a mess for my mother to have to deal with in the morning.

Now, I had another little quirk, in addition to not needing sleep, I hardly ever needed to eat. And when I did eat, I had such picky tastes it was almost impossible to feed me. Now, many Autistic kids are picky with food in regards to texture, and specific tastes, however, nobody else I've heard of would go upwards of three days without food and not realize it, AND not be sleeping.

Obviousely, my parents were stuck with one scrawny little kid.

Both of these issues still exist. The eating issue, not so much. I usually eat every day now.....usually. But I'm still 5'11" and only 130lbs. despite being physically active, and lifting weights.

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Tights, take three: more of my history before my diagnosis.

Yes, we are delving deeper into the story regarding my wearing tight clothing; I know it's getting redundant, but it feels good after all these years to talk about it, and I really want to make sure that people know that having this compulsion can be a perfectly natural part of having an ASD; it doesn't make you gay, or unusual, it makes you autistic, or means you have sensory issues, I just don't want people to experience the shame and discomfort I experienced growing up if they don't have to.

I have always been compelled to wear tight fitting clothing, though I never knew why, I can remember as a boy of age 4 seeing my female cousin in a leotard, and being overcome with a desire to wear one, I was ashamed and didn't understand why I had the desire, (There but for an early diagnosis go I) I spent the rest of my childhood with the desire, My sisters swimsuits, leotards, tights, stretchpants, figureskating costumes, if it was anything tight, I was drawn toward it; I never acted on the compulsion, and never told anyone about it.

In my Teen years, This developed into a paraphelia, I would steal leotards, tights and things form laundry hampers, and even closets and dressers. I would wrap myself from head to toe in Tights and nylons; but not knowing why I was initially drawn to such things, and being a Christian, this always seemed somehow extremely dirty.
I knew I was not a transvestite, nor was I gay; I wasn't appealing because it was Taboo, or because they were women's clothing, It was appealing because tight clothing would give me a feeling of compression, help me with establishing myself in space, and providing the deep touch theraputic bennifits I craved, but didn't understand why; Therefore, the only rational explination for me, was it must be dirty.

It was durring my teen years, while endulging this phellia online that I discovered Zentai. I wanted so desperately to own one, but I NEVER figured I would. Once I was diagnosed with AS, I was suddenly free from personal , mental oppression to try all kinds of new things, I first raided a box of my sisters old clothing at my parents house, gathering up Leotards, tights, tight shirts, and long gloves. I wore them around the house whenever I was alone, and even slept in them, which proved VERY effective at helping with my insomnia.

Next, I bought compression clothing, which had also previousely felt oddly "Kinky" I still felt wierd buying it in the sporting goods store. (Despite my very fit physicality) I then bought a divesuit,. Following this, I left for School for a few months; Upon my return, I bought my own, new tights online, and then I remembered the full body zentai, and realized I too was now free to purchase one.
It took a little time for all of these things to not feel sexual, after my years of building them up to be some kind of inherently sexual and kinky things, but I am completely comfortable wearing most of these things without feeling odd or sexually arroused at all by them.
I have not worn leotards or cloves since that initial experience, and I think it would still feel odd. I don't think it should though, They did offer a nice feeling of compression accross my torso. I just don't like the wide cut at the neck, and they still feel very effeminate to me.

I do not find any of things to be sexual. I found them to be sexual in my teen years, simply because of shame. The fact that I didn't understand either sex, or my infatuation particularly well, meant they both carried that same awkward, "Tabboo" dirty feeling, and they got all mixed up together while I was trying to make sense of them, after all, there are plenty of people who do find them sexual; and it seemed only rational to me, from a logical, objective viewpoint, that I MUST find them arousing as well. In retrospect I can see that this was not the case, and it was simply me, trying to justify emotions and compultions to myself which were diffucult for me to understand not having all the facts at the time.

BAck to the primary topic:
I have mentioned before, that the feeling of Zentai is unique; it's not like having tights on all over your body. It isn't as constrictive (unfortunately) and it lacks the feeling of pressure that Compression clothing, and Leotards provide; Though I think if I buy one a little thinner, I might have better luck with the compression. They do however provide a feeling of all over, consistant, tactile sensation, and do an amazing job of muting out the world. I highly recommend them to anybody with sensory integration issues, or ASD.

-Following the conversation-

I appologize for the long gap in posts (Not that anybody reads this blog anyway) but I have been a bit busy recently.


I recently had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend, She wanted explinations as to why I had broken things off.
I felt that she didn't take my Autism seriousely; she always told me that I used it as a crutch, and an excuse. This hurt me because it was clear how little she realized the struggle it is for me to come across as "normal." With anybody else, that is a compliment, but she had seen me out of the world, when things are more "Normal" for me. Which is VERY ABNORMAL for most people. She's seen me freak out in public, she knew the kinds of things we needed to avoid for me to function. She was always accomedating, but somehow, she still felt I was.....I don't know, maybe faking? or something, I'm not exactly sure what her thought was exactly....

The point of this post however is to focus on the conversation we had, and the fact that I couldn't follow a thing she was talking about; My mind wanders, even in situations which, I know are important and imotional, I was quoting movie lines, Counting, and quoting automotive facts in my head the whole time.
I was honest about what was on my mind: I told her what I was thinking, when she asked me. Turns out, this wasn't the best idea. Not that it really matters what was said since we had broken up, but I still didn't want to hurt her feelings.
-Unfortunately, I did.

I'm not tactfull, I'm not sensitive, I don't say the right things.....Don't get me wrong; I'm happy with myself, but sometimes, It would be nice to say the right thing. I have an extensive vocabulary, and I am quite elequent, but I just can't say the right words. Compound that by the fact that I was raised to be the type of person who "Keeps it in" and you have a mess of awkward conversations and insensitivity.

Wow, It's been a while sonce I posted.....not that anybody's reading in real time anyway.

Here is another topic important to understanding the ASD:

I am a man of Obsession. I'm Not Obsessive-Compulsive, I just develop fixations, I have no control over what I develop fixations toward. They can come and go. one day I will be completely obsessed with a thing, then the next day, It will be irrelavant, and immaterial to me.


The types of things upon which I fixate can varry wildly; Anything from movies, and history, to machinery or music.
I need my fixations, They help me have purpose. When I have no obsession, I feel out of sorts, confused, and bewildered. Redundant? Yes, but it illustrates my point. I currently have no obsession. It's odd; When I'm fixated on something, it gives me more focus in all aspects of my life.
I feel a strange and unique connection to whatever it is over which I am obsessing; It consumes me. Not to the point that it gets in the way of my life, just that I become so attached to, and fascenated by it, that it's all about which I can think, and The only thing I want to discuss. I will spend all my free time pouring over resorces concerning that topic, I will fashion myself into an expert, knowing all aspects of it out of hand; not because I particualarly, conciencousely want to, but because I am compelled in a way which I don't think most people could understand. After establishing a superior knowledgebase regarding my topic (whatever it may be) I will promptly......forget it.
Yes, It will completely leave my mind, and I will not be able to remember, or keep straight the facts which I have been studying and obsession over so much. It's almost like my brain is making room for the next onslaught of unformation regarding the next topic over which I unwittingly become obsessed.

I don't know why, really. All I know is that is what happens.

Forgive me for not being more elequent, or covering the topic more, but I'm not in a particularly conversive mood at the moment. I'm sure this is yet another topic which will undoubtedly come up again, and I will extrapolate on it further then.