Marriage.

Much has happened since my last post.
-Lets just discuss the most important: I got Married....and I got married to the ex-girlfriend mentioned in my last post.

Marriage has proven to be a far more difficult beast to tackle than I had ever anticipated. Due largely to my own issues, and the difficulties which accompany my AS.

I am not built for being close, I am not built for being around anybody for long periods of time.
I have a very loving, and understanding wife, but all the same, I don't imagine it's been any easier for her than for me. Aside from "the regular" issues, I understand accompany most newlyweds, there are key things which I know bother her:

-I am an insomniac, and she likes to sleep together (though not touching)
-I never stop moving/ticking, and it (understandably) gets taxing.
-I am an artist and writer, and we have differing views on MANY important issues under that umbrella.
-I don't make a lot of money. I'm fine with that, and live my life accordingly. My Wife, however, is not as okay with this.
-Our diets differ greatly. I, being a creature of habit, like the things I like, and don't like many of the things she likes. I usually eat little more than: Miniwheats for Breakfast, Peanut butter sandwiches for lunch; Dinner admittedly varies.
The Mrs. is a more health-conscious person, preferring low calorie, low fat, and lighter foods....though I'm afraid my unwillingness to compromise has made her alter her diet.
-I am VERY pragmatic. My logic is a source of tenuousness between us. I acknowledge facts and don't act or speak based off emotions, and she is fairly illogical.....as are most people, in my experience.

I'm trying to learn to be a better husband, while still trying to figure out how to be a better, more "Well adjusted" adult.
It's not easy. I don't ever feel comfortable, I feel on edge much of the time, Despite how very understanding, and accommodating she is, and how hard she works to make sure I'm comfortable, and tries to not let things about me bother her I know things are still bothering her.
-People may not understand it, but I'm too rational to NOT recognizer that it's an issue for her.

A genuine experience

I recently was speaking with an ex-girlfriend; She was the first girl I had ever told about my autism, She was the first I had told about my compression clothing, and the only I have ever told about my wearing tights.
Despite the fact I occassionally felt that some aspects of my AS were hard for her to accept, She has always been accomidating, kind, and understanding. She always wanted to make sure I was comfortable, and alright in situations.
I was the one who broke things off with her, I felt like I was holding her back. She had so much potential, and I thought she was backpedaling for me....but that's neither here, nor there.

Inspite of everything, we have managed to stay decently good friends. When I had origonally told her about my compression clothing, it piqued her interest. While for slightly different reasons, She also hated the feeling of loose clothing, and loved the tight compression afforded her by Leotards, swimsuits, tights, and even camisols;
so when I told her I had a divesuit in which I occasionally slept, she requested imediately to try it on. I agreed to let her, she did, we had a good laugh and she put it back. We talked about it a few times throughout our regretably short relationship, and she would comment about it, and even nicknamed it my "Yummy" while my other compression clothing she referred to as my "Stretchy."

Last week I was talking to her, and I got up the nerve to tell her about my Zentai (something about which, despite the comfort it offers me, I still feel a little awkward) When I told her, she thought it was great; She told me she thought my divesuit was very comfortable, and would love to see, and even try on the Zentai, If I would let her.

Over the next week, I showed her a picture of me in it, (which I had taken to try to make myself feel more comfortable) and then even showed the suit to her (though not while wearing it) She was very encouraging, and comfortable with it; She told me if she had one, she would wear it openly, and thought it seemed like it would be very comfortable. I told her it was very comfortable, but I was a little uncomfortable about admitting to wearing the suit, given it's often sexual connotations. She encouraged me to not be ashamed, told me she knew me well enough to know my motives for it, and even suggested she and I have a "Yummy-movie night" where I would wear my suit, and she a Unitard, or other such lycra garment, to help me feel more comfortable.

I haven't yet taken her up on her offer, but I must admit, being that physicaly comfortable, while with someone, with whom I could feel that emotionally comfortable, does hold some appeal to me. I would very much like to have that experience, and perhaps put some of my apprehensoins to rest, and hopefully, feel more comfortable with myself, and my situation.

Lists

I think it may be important to mention lists.

At a Very young age, Over a decade before my diagnosis of Asperger's my mother recognized my need for lists to function day-to-day.
She realized that if she asked me to do something, I would forget, I would forget to do pretty much everything. Not because I was a belligerent child, not because I wanted to misbehave, but because they would simply not register as important to me.

My mother had make me lists for everything, from my routine in the morning, to what time I should eat; Times to play something not involving my obsession, to what things I'd need to remember when I left the house.

My father was FAR less understanding. He couldn't understand how, his son could be old enough to read, and remember every last thing he had ever learned about Dinosaurs, but couldn't remember to do his chores, or what he had read for his homework.
-This would actually be the catalyst for a lot of strain between my father, and myself (but that is probably something best left for another post)

Despite my troubles with my father not understanding, my Mother simply tried to accommodate me, by making lists.

If my mother wanted something done - for example: Take out the trash. It would go on the list, because she knew I would forget that she had asked me.

However, she still would ask me. I would completely freak out if something was on the list, and I didn't have prior knowledge to reference to. It would completely become an overwhelming thing to me, and most often result in outbursts, Screaming, rocking, hitting, and eventually "Shutting Down."

Even now, Lists are the only thing that keep me functioning. To this day, I still run through my checklist in the morning, before I go out, to remember to eat, and even buy groceries. Not a grocery list, but a task on the list.

-Tuesday- Brush teeth, Shower, Shave, Get Dressed, T.O. Garbage, exercise, Eat Breakfast, Buy Groceries.....etc.

Then there are sub lists; One taped next to the door reads what I like to have with me to go out:

Zippo, Handkerchief, Pocket knife, Wallet, Phone, Hat, Watch, Jacket.

Lists are a helpful way of getting by, and putting order into your life. I'll even set alarm clocks, Cell Phone Event reminders, Anything, and everything I can to keep my life on track, and keep me functioning.

If you have a hard time remembering things, I highly recommend you make yourself some lists. Look into it, It is well worth your time.

Films and the like

A word of advice to anybody with aspergers: Don't watch films about Aspergers with anybody who knows about your condition. -It is a very unerving experience, one which I first encountered when my Family decided they wanted to watch Mozart and the Whale with me.
The entire time was an awkward verbal comparison of me. Every time a character did something, it was followed by a response of "That's just like Roscoe" or the opposite. I couldn't take the screwtanizing eyes, and turned off the film half way through.

the other day an aquantance rented a film called "Adam" We didn't know it at the time, but it;s about a man, age 30 with Aspergers; again, the stares, and comparisons, though thankfully, not nearly as much as the Mozart and the Whale experience.

Since I haven't written anything in a while, I want to talk about these two films, and without devulging any "Spoilers" regarding the films plots, give my opinions as someone with AS.

Mozart and the Whale:

Mozart and the whale is a film about a 20-something man and a 20-Something Woman both with AS, and both exhibiting different symptoms of their shared syndrome, who meet at somewhat of a support group for people with various forms of Autism. The film can be very insightful, and since it centers around two people with such different symptoms of AS, it is easy to relate, if not to both characters, at least to one. The movie doesn't shy away from the negative sides of AS, but also shows how tallented, and caring people with AS can be, despite our poor social skills. In my opinion, the film sheds a positive light on people with AS without being patranizing. The film can be a little overwhelming, as it has no subplot, and is very focused on telling it's one story. However, while it is a little too straight forward and and drawn out, if you have AS and can relate to the situations on screen, it is still a pretty good watch.

Adam:
Adam is about a man with AS who is 30, the film opens with the main character, Adam at a funeral for his father. Apparently Adam has been living with his father all his life, and now finds himself on his own for the first time. The film was good, and it had a secondary plot that made it easier to watch for people who couldn't relate to the character.
Adam has a much Higher functioning form of AS than the characters on Mozart and the Whale, he fixates on Astronomy, and doesn't like changes in his routine, or crowd situations, but aside from, and even despite that, he was a very high functioning character.
The film wasn't bad, but at times seemed more like a commercial for how friends and Family could cope with loved ones having AS, in the way they tried to explain it for the audience.

On a side note: Durring one scene Adam refers to himself as "An Aspie" -I hate that term. I have never met anyone with an actual diagnosis who refers to themselves as such, and I find it to be almost offensive. If someone has ADD you wouldn't refer to them as an "Aidy"

In my experience, the term is most commonly used by people who just THINK they have AS, or people who tell people they have AS for the attention and sense of identity.

But I digress, Adam (so I am old) Is a much easire film to watch for people without AS than the afore mentioned, Mozard and the Whale. Personally, I enjoyed the film well enough, but found The lead character's "level of functionality" harder to relate.

obsessions, fixations and the need for Lists.

I am a man of obsession; Not in an obsessive-compulsive way, I fixate on things.
Randomly, things will be come extremely important to me. I have no control over what things will suddenly interest me.


Whether it be a period in history, an object, a machine, a philosophy, or a subculture.... whatever it is, I'll learn everything I can about the subject: The history of it, the purpose and functionality, the practical reasoning behind the decisions, the mythology...Everything. It will become all I think about. Nothing else will matter.



These fixations will change, evolve; I'll be interested solely on one thing, and become an expert on the subject, and as soon as another fixation comes along, forget most everything about the previous. This usually happens abruptely.



Even when I'm not obsessing about some new fixation, Art is always a constant for me. I chose a career in art because it affords me time to be alone, I can work doing what I want, in the comfort of my own home. However I have to be careful, I will be so emerssed in my artwork, that I will forget to eat, sleep, and even lose track of time to the point of not knowing what day it is. I wake up and imediately get to work, and I fall asleep doing the same.

This brings us to lists. My mother learned when I was very young to give me lists of what I would need to do, what to take with me when I left the house, and even my hygene and eating routine.
This is something that, even now as an adult, I have to do for myself in order to function daily.

I follow a set routine, I have certain things I always do, and carry with me. A well regimented schedual, and To-do lists
are very useful to me. Further, always carrying the same objects with me is a comforting, and often useful habit to keep. On my person, at any time, I keep a pocket knife, a zippo lighter, my wallet, phone, shop towel, and keys. these are things I put in my pockets every morning, before I brush my teeth. They're on the list, and if I forget even one of them, I find myself oddly thrown off by the entire day. I suppose I crave consistancy.

Insomnia, and

Insomnia, One of the symptoms that stretches across the entire spectrum of Autism Disorders.
It is amazing to most people how little I actually sleep. I can function at full copacity for an entire day with 3-4 hours of sleep with absolutely no fatigue. I just don't need sleep.
I don't know if it's a subconcious decision because it's so quiet at night, or if it's just the way I'm wired, but I usually force myself asleep around 5 or 6 in the A.M. feeling wide awake as I do.
I have heard that this is a common event with people with ASD's, I guess it gets somewhat taxing on the parents of younger children.
Personally, my parents used to try to get me to sleep, but that was so long ago, I don't even remember it. They also tried to stay awake with me, but soon found that impossible, and left me to my late night devices. I spent my nights somewhat productively, reading books far beyond my age level, drawing, admittedly playing nintendo, or movies from our meager collection of Disney cassettes. I would play with GI Joes, build forts, anything really, so long as I didn't leave a mess for my mother to have to deal with in the morning.

Now, I had another little quirk, in addition to not needing sleep, I hardly ever needed to eat. And when I did eat, I had such picky tastes it was almost impossible to feed me. Now, many Autistic kids are picky with food in regards to texture, and specific tastes, however, nobody else I've heard of would go upwards of three days without food and not realize it, AND not be sleeping.

Obviousely, my parents were stuck with one scrawny little kid.

Both of these issues still exist. The eating issue, not so much. I usually eat every day now.....usually. But I'm still 5'11" and only 130lbs. despite being physically active, and lifting weights.

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Tights, take three: more of my history before my diagnosis.

Yes, we are delving deeper into the story regarding my wearing tight clothing; I know it's getting redundant, but it feels good after all these years to talk about it, and I really want to make sure that people know that having this compulsion can be a perfectly natural part of having an ASD; it doesn't make you gay, or unusual, it makes you autistic, or means you have sensory issues, I just don't want people to experience the shame and discomfort I experienced growing up if they don't have to.

I have always been compelled to wear tight fitting clothing, though I never knew why, I can remember as a boy of age 4 seeing my female cousin in a leotard, and being overcome with a desire to wear one, I was ashamed and didn't understand why I had the desire, (There but for an early diagnosis go I) I spent the rest of my childhood with the desire, My sisters swimsuits, leotards, tights, stretchpants, figureskating costumes, if it was anything tight, I was drawn toward it; I never acted on the compulsion, and never told anyone about it.

In my Teen years, This developed into a paraphelia, I would steal leotards, tights and things form laundry hampers, and even closets and dressers. I would wrap myself from head to toe in Tights and nylons; but not knowing why I was initially drawn to such things, and being a Christian, this always seemed somehow extremely dirty.
I knew I was not a transvestite, nor was I gay; I wasn't appealing because it was Taboo, or because they were women's clothing, It was appealing because tight clothing would give me a feeling of compression, help me with establishing myself in space, and providing the deep touch theraputic bennifits I craved, but didn't understand why; Therefore, the only rational explination for me, was it must be dirty.

It was durring my teen years, while endulging this phellia online that I discovered Zentai. I wanted so desperately to own one, but I NEVER figured I would. Once I was diagnosed with AS, I was suddenly free from personal , mental oppression to try all kinds of new things, I first raided a box of my sisters old clothing at my parents house, gathering up Leotards, tights, tight shirts, and long gloves. I wore them around the house whenever I was alone, and even slept in them, which proved VERY effective at helping with my insomnia.

Next, I bought compression clothing, which had also previousely felt oddly "Kinky" I still felt wierd buying it in the sporting goods store. (Despite my very fit physicality) I then bought a divesuit,. Following this, I left for School for a few months; Upon my return, I bought my own, new tights online, and then I remembered the full body zentai, and realized I too was now free to purchase one.
It took a little time for all of these things to not feel sexual, after my years of building them up to be some kind of inherently sexual and kinky things, but I am completely comfortable wearing most of these things without feeling odd or sexually arroused at all by them.
I have not worn leotards or cloves since that initial experience, and I think it would still feel odd. I don't think it should though, They did offer a nice feeling of compression accross my torso. I just don't like the wide cut at the neck, and they still feel very effeminate to me.

I do not find any of things to be sexual. I found them to be sexual in my teen years, simply because of shame. The fact that I didn't understand either sex, or my infatuation particularly well, meant they both carried that same awkward, "Tabboo" dirty feeling, and they got all mixed up together while I was trying to make sense of them, after all, there are plenty of people who do find them sexual; and it seemed only rational to me, from a logical, objective viewpoint, that I MUST find them arousing as well. In retrospect I can see that this was not the case, and it was simply me, trying to justify emotions and compultions to myself which were diffucult for me to understand not having all the facts at the time.

BAck to the primary topic:
I have mentioned before, that the feeling of Zentai is unique; it's not like having tights on all over your body. It isn't as constrictive (unfortunately) and it lacks the feeling of pressure that Compression clothing, and Leotards provide; Though I think if I buy one a little thinner, I might have better luck with the compression. They do however provide a feeling of all over, consistant, tactile sensation, and do an amazing job of muting out the world. I highly recommend them to anybody with sensory integration issues, or ASD.