My wife actually took me to a Cook-Doctor earlier this summer to try to "Cure" me. -That hurt. A LOT! I couldn't believe that she was so uncomfortable with me that she would try to change my neurological pathways to fit what she wanted in a husband.
Of course it failed, and was a gigantic waste of money, but I went anyhow, because I am doing everything I can to make her happy. -I'm just not sure I'll be able to.
I personally don't believe Autism can be cured, Prevented perhaps, in the future, but I don't think it could be cured. Not only that, but I don't believe I need a cure. Sure, I am a flawed, and imperfect person, I have my idiosyncrasies, but I am happy, confident, and functional "Enough" and I wouldn't accept a change being made to my neurology any more than I believe anybody else would.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Here we are, almost a year since my last post. I've been meaning to keep up on this blog, but life has gotten in the way...also Marriage.
We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.
My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.
-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.
She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.
Marriage is hard.
I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance, as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!
However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much.
We bought a house together very recently. We haven't even moved in.
-Buying a home was never on my To-do list...I don't like the idea of being tied to one place, and like the ability to up and move on a whim...It's an oddity for someone with an ASD, but as I have done it all of my life, it actually IS my routine.
My wife and I had a long discussion a while ago, She told me she wanted to buy a house that needed work to fix up together. I, hating the sounds of power-tools, obligation, deadlines, learning new things in which I have no interest, and extended breaks from work, told her flat out, I would buy a house with her if it was THAT important, but have ABSOLUTELY no interest in buying a fix-up project. She cried, and it was a whole big mess.
-Now we own a house that needs work. I am working hard to make her happy but am completely overwhelmed by the situation...She cries over putting me in the situation, as though she didn't know this would be the outcome.
I can't understand the emotions, motivations, or reactions of even my own wife.
She says she completely understands me, understands what I need, and how to deal with my Autism. But All she can really seem to handle is that I have Sensory issues. -She seems to think I need a reason to be overwhelmed, she pushes me into situations I can't handle, and when I melt down, cries and then tells ME that SHE needs Comforting. She thinks if I have earplugs, sunglasses, and Tights on, all should be perfect. She can;t seem to grasp that those are coping methods I use to get by, and drown out sensory issues, but I don;t have Sensory Integration Disorder....I'm Autistic. I don't need a reason that she can understand to be overwhelmed. It could be that my pen fell off my desk. I know it's irrational, and therefore counter-intuitive to everything about my logical brain, but that sort of thing can be enough to get me pacing and stimming away.
Marriage is hard.
I also don't have the Luxury of going Catatonic anymore. I don't think I've touched on this particular issue before, so let me explain. When I get overwhelmed I occasionally slip into a Semi-Catatonic state (Sometimes called Non-Verbal) It's not a choice, it's just the coping method I've always had. The level of functionality varies depending on the circumstance, as does how long I'll stay like this. I've been fully functional, minus speech for up to 3 days, and I've also laid on my parents kitchen floor, not moving, or responding to anything for 6-8 hours. I even learned ASL (Sign Language) to get through though those times.
Honestly, ASL and writing are the easiest ways for me to communicate any time!
However, I don't do any of that anymore. My wife can't handle it when I "Zone-Out," as to it she refers, and so I do absolutely everything in my power to keep myself from reacting that way. I flap my hands, I pace, I count to myself, I mumble facts to myself, rock back and forth, all of which bothers her, just not as much.
Incipiently, it also comforts me.....just not as much.
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