Tights, take three: more of my history before my diagnosis.

Yes, we are delving deeper into the story regarding my wearing tight clothing; I know it's getting redundant, but it feels good after all these years to talk about it, and I really want to make sure that people know that having this compulsion can be a perfectly natural part of having an ASD; it doesn't make you gay, or unusual, it makes you autistic, or means you have sensory issues, I just don't want people to experience the shame and discomfort I experienced growing up if they don't have to.

I have always been compelled to wear tight fitting clothing, though I never knew why, I can remember as a boy of age 4 seeing my female cousin in a leotard, and being overcome with a desire to wear one, I was ashamed and didn't understand why I had the desire, (There but for an early diagnosis go I) I spent the rest of my childhood with the desire, My sisters swimsuits, leotards, tights, stretchpants, figureskating costumes, if it was anything tight, I was drawn toward it; I never acted on the compulsion, and never told anyone about it.

In my Teen years, This developed into a paraphelia, I would steal leotards, tights and things form laundry hampers, and even closets and dressers. I would wrap myself from head to toe in Tights and nylons; but not knowing why I was initially drawn to such things, and being a Christian, this always seemed somehow extremely dirty.
I knew I was not a transvestite, nor was I gay; I wasn't appealing because it was Taboo, or because they were women's clothing, It was appealing because tight clothing would give me a feeling of compression, help me with establishing myself in space, and providing the deep touch theraputic bennifits I craved, but didn't understand why; Therefore, the only rational explination for me, was it must be dirty.

It was durring my teen years, while endulging this phellia online that I discovered Zentai. I wanted so desperately to own one, but I NEVER figured I would. Once I was diagnosed with AS, I was suddenly free from personal , mental oppression to try all kinds of new things, I first raided a box of my sisters old clothing at my parents house, gathering up Leotards, tights, tight shirts, and long gloves. I wore them around the house whenever I was alone, and even slept in them, which proved VERY effective at helping with my insomnia.

Next, I bought compression clothing, which had also previousely felt oddly "Kinky" I still felt wierd buying it in the sporting goods store. (Despite my very fit physicality) I then bought a divesuit,. Following this, I left for School for a few months; Upon my return, I bought my own, new tights online, and then I remembered the full body zentai, and realized I too was now free to purchase one.
It took a little time for all of these things to not feel sexual, after my years of building them up to be some kind of inherently sexual and kinky things, but I am completely comfortable wearing most of these things without feeling odd or sexually arroused at all by them.
I have not worn leotards or cloves since that initial experience, and I think it would still feel odd. I don't think it should though, They did offer a nice feeling of compression accross my torso. I just don't like the wide cut at the neck, and they still feel very effeminate to me.

I do not find any of things to be sexual. I found them to be sexual in my teen years, simply because of shame. The fact that I didn't understand either sex, or my infatuation particularly well, meant they both carried that same awkward, "Tabboo" dirty feeling, and they got all mixed up together while I was trying to make sense of them, after all, there are plenty of people who do find them sexual; and it seemed only rational to me, from a logical, objective viewpoint, that I MUST find them arousing as well. In retrospect I can see that this was not the case, and it was simply me, trying to justify emotions and compultions to myself which were diffucult for me to understand not having all the facts at the time.

BAck to the primary topic:
I have mentioned before, that the feeling of Zentai is unique; it's not like having tights on all over your body. It isn't as constrictive (unfortunately) and it lacks the feeling of pressure that Compression clothing, and Leotards provide; Though I think if I buy one a little thinner, I might have better luck with the compression. They do however provide a feeling of all over, consistant, tactile sensation, and do an amazing job of muting out the world. I highly recommend them to anybody with sensory integration issues, or ASD.

-Following the conversation-

I appologize for the long gap in posts (Not that anybody reads this blog anyway) but I have been a bit busy recently.


I recently had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend, She wanted explinations as to why I had broken things off.
I felt that she didn't take my Autism seriousely; she always told me that I used it as a crutch, and an excuse. This hurt me because it was clear how little she realized the struggle it is for me to come across as "normal." With anybody else, that is a compliment, but she had seen me out of the world, when things are more "Normal" for me. Which is VERY ABNORMAL for most people. She's seen me freak out in public, she knew the kinds of things we needed to avoid for me to function. She was always accomedating, but somehow, she still felt I was.....I don't know, maybe faking? or something, I'm not exactly sure what her thought was exactly....

The point of this post however is to focus on the conversation we had, and the fact that I couldn't follow a thing she was talking about; My mind wanders, even in situations which, I know are important and imotional, I was quoting movie lines, Counting, and quoting automotive facts in my head the whole time.
I was honest about what was on my mind: I told her what I was thinking, when she asked me. Turns out, this wasn't the best idea. Not that it really matters what was said since we had broken up, but I still didn't want to hurt her feelings.
-Unfortunately, I did.

I'm not tactfull, I'm not sensitive, I don't say the right things.....Don't get me wrong; I'm happy with myself, but sometimes, It would be nice to say the right thing. I have an extensive vocabulary, and I am quite elequent, but I just can't say the right words. Compound that by the fact that I was raised to be the type of person who "Keeps it in" and you have a mess of awkward conversations and insensitivity.

Wow, It's been a while sonce I posted.....not that anybody's reading in real time anyway.

Here is another topic important to understanding the ASD:

I am a man of Obsession. I'm Not Obsessive-Compulsive, I just develop fixations, I have no control over what I develop fixations toward. They can come and go. one day I will be completely obsessed with a thing, then the next day, It will be irrelavant, and immaterial to me.


The types of things upon which I fixate can varry wildly; Anything from movies, and history, to machinery or music.
I need my fixations, They help me have purpose. When I have no obsession, I feel out of sorts, confused, and bewildered. Redundant? Yes, but it illustrates my point. I currently have no obsession. It's odd; When I'm fixated on something, it gives me more focus in all aspects of my life.
I feel a strange and unique connection to whatever it is over which I am obsessing; It consumes me. Not to the point that it gets in the way of my life, just that I become so attached to, and fascenated by it, that it's all about which I can think, and The only thing I want to discuss. I will spend all my free time pouring over resorces concerning that topic, I will fashion myself into an expert, knowing all aspects of it out of hand; not because I particualarly, conciencousely want to, but because I am compelled in a way which I don't think most people could understand. After establishing a superior knowledgebase regarding my topic (whatever it may be) I will promptly......forget it.
Yes, It will completely leave my mind, and I will not be able to remember, or keep straight the facts which I have been studying and obsession over so much. It's almost like my brain is making room for the next onslaught of unformation regarding the next topic over which I unwittingly become obsessed.

I don't know why, really. All I know is that is what happens.

Forgive me for not being more elequent, or covering the topic more, but I'm not in a particularly conversive mood at the moment. I'm sure this is yet another topic which will undoubtedly come up again, and I will extrapolate on it further then.

Dealing with Tactile issues, and discussing Zentai

Zentai is the name of stretchy, tight, bodysuits that cover you entirely, from head to foot.
They are usually Considered fetishwear, but are also worn for other reasons, comfort, costumes, and for something which completely eludes me, Team Pride at sporting events sporting events. However another reason is for Deep Touch Pressure Therapy, and people with tactile issues.
I bought one two days ago, The feeling is amazing.
It provides gentle consistant pressure over the entire body, even the hands and feet. I would suggest getting one with the zipper inside-out, that way you can turn the suit inside-out, and the seams will be on the outside, and therefore won't be bothersome - if you, like I, have issues with the seams on clothing.
I have always worn my shirts, socks, and underwear inside out, or cut the tags out of everything which cannot be turned insite out.

While we're on the subject, I have started wearing only "comfort soft" underwear. No Tags, no seams, and no exposed elastic. So Nice.
I don't know how many people actually notice those things, but I definately do. Comfort soft underwear seems to be MADE for people with ASD's and Sensory issues.

Back to Zentai, It's amazing how calming it is wearing one of these suits. all other physical stimuli are completely drowned out, just like wearing Compression clothing, or Tights, only without the distraction of waistebands, and shirts riding up; plus, as an added bonus. you get coverage over the hands, feet, and head. This might be too much for people with claustrophobia, but I find it very nice.
For people whom might find a complete suit claustrophopic, there are dance stores online which sell Unitards, with hands and feet, but no head coverings. Also, you can get them with exposed hands, or obviousely, with no hands, feet, or head covering. These are also often called Catsuits.
Just as with Zentai, these products are often worn for Fetish/Sexual reasons, and you may need to make yourself look past that, and remember that this is for non-sexual, medical porposes.

Another product used for tactile, and deep pressure therapy is something called a "Silly-Sack" it's a lycra/spandex square sack with a zipper along the back. The same company which makes Silly-Sacks, also makes tight, spandex/lycra blankets, and swings. All these products are for deep touch therapy, and for people who have a hard time establishing their place in space.
I have a hard time with spacial management. I lean against walls whenever I can to feel the pressure, and I sleep on couches so more of my body is being touched at a time.

Personally, I have never used SillySacks, Swings, Or Sheets, but I can understand the appeal. I prefer more mobile applications of the theraputic methods.
Compression clothing, Unitards, tights, divesuits, and now zentai. I can wear these under my clothing, and mute out the tactile sensory input from my clothing, and provide the pressure I need to help me focus, and get through my day.
If I slept on beds, I would definately buy one of those pressure sheets, They sound really nice, and effective.

My advice is based on personal experience, and what I recommend may not work for you, and your specific situation, but it may be worth a try. I reccommend starting out with something inexpensive. Maybe a pair of soft tights, to give it a try. If you find that tights are effective for you, you may try something else.

WARNING: If you are male, and have a problem with wearing tights, but give it a try anyway, YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE. Trust me; give it time wearing them in your home, to become comfortable with just the idea of wearing tights. Once you get past the mental discomfort, you will be able to focus on the physical.

Questions can be e-mailed to me; I will not publish your emails, but I would be happy to help with any questions you may have.

Facial ques.

I mentioned these in my last post, but I thought I would bring up another personal experience.
I am an artist, I draw and digitally paint for a living. Specifically, I am an illustrator. It affords me the oppertunity to work alone, and I love it.

I am accomplished in capturing the gesture of my subjects, clothing and textures, Everything works well. I have worked hard, and comitted myself to being the best I can be. (It really is the only viable skill I have)

However, my work always gets the same critique: Frequently the faces in my work are plain, Emotionless, expressionless. I can't seem to avoid doing this. Once it's pointed out to me, I usually change it, and it looks fine, but I don't see it initially. Much like the clutter in my house, It can be plain as day, and for some reason I won't notice it until it is pointed out to me.

This all ties in with real life. I have mentioned that growing up, I had a hard time recognizing varried expressions, but I have not mentioned that I was all but unable to emote through expression, myself. I also always spoke in a low monotone with little to no inflection.
I had to learn these things, they didn't come naturally to me.
Now I often overdo my facial ques and vocal inflection. People say I often seem exagerated, and even cartoonish.

I don't know which is worse, understated or over; but now it is just natural to me to be loud, with exagerated expressions. Ironicly, hate loud people. They iritate me a lot.

Either way, I suppose this post is a little pointless, but I am posting it in hopes that it'll least be something to which someone might be able to relate.

Where's your sense of humor

Let's discuss, if we may, Sense of humor. This is a topic once again, covered by many autistic parenting books, but rarely told froom the viewpoint of someone who has lived through it personally.
Growing up, I found things funny, I would laugh at certain things, and I would make up nonsense jokes, like any kid. However, Sarcasm was WAY over my head. Now, granted sarcasm is way over many children's heads, but I think usually by age 10 they've figured it out. I was having a hard timme at 12. I could never tell when people were being sarcastic. I had a hard time reading autible inflection, and had a hard time associating proper facial ques.
Further, I took everything very literally and at face value. This led to many embarrassing moments as a child.
Though I didn't like being "out of the loop" on jokes, I learned at a young age not to force laughter, and not to try to figure out what people were joking about out loud.
It was better to remain silent, seem disinterrested, and not react then it was to be made fun of for reacting inapropriately. People thought I was an odd loner-type, but it was better then them thinking I was an idiot.

At 13 I decided to put my foot down. I was tired of always being made fun of, I was going to get Sarcastic humor if it killed me. I started watching the MTV cartoon "Daria" Just about any time the title character said anything, it was sarcastic. I payed close attention to what she said, and tried to grasp the humor, always reminding myself to not take what she said seriousely. I then tried some of her jokes for myself and got positive reactions! It was odd, I was telling jokes I could barely grasp, and people seemed to love it. I continued my studying of the sarcastic, and slowly I caught on.
it goes back to what I have said in previous posts, regarding the way I feel like I don't quite fit in with humanity, Like I'm a third party observer, doing research on some sort of tribal people I don't quite understand.

Anyway,
Now sarcasm, and subtle humor are my favorite things in films and television. In fact, I seem more in tuned to it than other people. I am always on the lookout for it, and seem to see it more clearly than most. even when the joke rely's solely on facial expressions to communicae the humor, I can see it now.
I still have a hard time interprating sarcasm in real life, and consequently, opperate under the assumption that people are not being sarcastic. This makes me "Stand-offish" and people say I seem cold, and disinterrested. I figure the same principle applies now that did in my youth; It's better to be aloof that look like an idiot. Besides, I don't much like most people anyway, so if they think I'm a jerk, that's allright with me. I realize this tactic wouldn't work of most people. It's my understanding that people in general like to make new friends, Personally I don't.

It isn't that I go out of my way to be rude, I just don't feel comfortable around people, least of all new people.

gainful employment

In this post I will (obviousely) be covering finding and keeping a job.

Getting and keeping a job CAN be a difficult thing to do, but with a little effort, it can be achieved and even enjoyed.

I have fortunately been able to get a job in the art industry. It affords me a working environment which is generally quiet, and sometimes I get to work from home.
However, I have had a lot of jobs in the past which weren't so accomedating for me.
I have also worked in Auto Garages, as a house framer, a roofer, carpet layer, and a ditch digger. just to name a few. Most of my jobs have been utilitarian, and not exactly quiet; and some days, I had a difficult ttime. But I wore ear-plugs, and I got by.

I had these jobs for a couple of reasons:

(1) I am a very hard worker, but I am very poor at retaining direction. I also have a hard time "multitasking"
(2) because of my poor people skills. because I bomb out of interviews, and I couldn't really work well interracting with customers, or even coworkers for that matter. I also get easily confused, and worked up durring one-on-one interaction.

Looking for a job can be very overwhelming, It can be hard to figure out where to begin, for what type of job you are qualified, andhow to figure out where you belong.

The key is to figure out what you can handle, what your strong suits are, and what you are capable of putting up with every day. For example, are you more likely to be okay in retail, office work, physical labor, etc.

Some of the more common things I have come up against, which I reccomend thinking about when looking for a job include:

- Can you handle flourescent lighting?
-are you sensitive to sound?
-are you good with human interaction?
-are you particularly good with numbers, or do you have some other trait unique to you? ( eg. I retain automotive information like a sponge)
-are you easily distracted
-Are you good with kids
-do you have particular clothing needs that might not be acceptable with a uniform of some sort.

Once you establish a criteria, it can make narrowing down possible jobs much easier. You will inevitably need to make comprimises with some of your criteria, but If you can figure out which issues are easier with which to cope it will make the entire process and experience, much easier.

With the jobs I have chosen, for the most part, I am able to work alone, and not have to remember a lot of direction. They are repetitive, and perfect for me. I worked those jobs to put myself through school, (which is another topic for another post) But I was able to work hard through school and now I have a job that accomodates ALL of my quirks and needs.

If you have any Questions or comments, please don't hesitate to ask, I'll do my best to help.

Tights: Take two.

Continuing with the current personal stories:
I bought a couple of new pairs of tights on sale a couple of days ago. They are made of Microfiber and they are AMAZING at drowning out sensory input. I have already found some Microfiber compression shirts online and can't wait until they get here.

-I would just like to take this oppertunity to reafirm that yes, I am in fact straight, and I achive no sexual satisfaction from wearing women's clothing. It is simply the most effective way I have found of working through my life as someone with an ASD.-

The tights have a brief at the top which is made of nylon, I guess it's a control top, but ionicly it stretches more than the microfiber, however this allows for extra comfort in the "Crotch area;" they have flat seams (very important for somebody like me) they are quiet soft, and are VERY tight all the way up. They also stay up, and in place without any problem, which is SO nice.
Every part stays snug and doesn't move at all, all day long.

as long as I am able, I will never buy another brand or fabric.
I'm really hoping my shirts are as comfortable. I usually seem to have bad luck with this sort of thing; there is always something slightly off, which with me is always a huge deal. I hate not being able to feel the fabric, see how tightly it will fit, how long the cut is vs. how tight it is. I really hope they work. I'm not made of money, and these particular shirts were really reasonably priced so I can buy more and spend less, which is obviousely a good thing.

In a similar story:
I have recently been in contact with another person living with Aspergers; She has many of my same issues, and copes with them the same ways I do. She suggested I try somethng called Zentai*. I am a little "iffy" to say the least. Though I must admit the idea does sound very appealing from a sensory point of view. She told me I need to try to look past the stigma, and look at it the same way I look at wearing tights. I am really considering it. Based on what she has told me, I believe it would be very comfortable and relaxing for me. No waistebands, wrist bands, collars, or mis matched materials, I also found out you can get them with individual toes. I know it may sound weird to you, but it sounds like another sensory issue resolved to me. I do worry about the zippers., I worry they will be distracting, but I suppose, that just like the new shirts, I won't know until I try.
I have looked into it, and have found some suits quite cheap online; though I may hold out to try to find some made of microfiber now, I'm not sure, It sounds so nice, and I may strike while the iron's hot (and the bank account has the finances) I am blowing a lot of money on sensory attire this week, and finances really aren't one of my strong suits. But that's another post, for another time.

Thank you for reading, I hope you found the post informative. Comments, suggestions, or questions are as always welcomed.

*For those who don't know, Zentai is the covering of the whole body, head to foot, in stretchy material; most often spandex or lycra, and is often done for sexual/fetish purposes.

Family life.

I guess It's about time to start updating with current experiences, Huh?
I have been visiting family lately. A horrible experience unto its self. I don't do well in any social gathering, and even family is no exception. The noise, the close quarters, the neices and nephews screaming and making trouble. it's a complete mess.
Fortunately, thanks to my insomnia, I do get a few hours of piece at night, somewhere between 11:00pm and 6:30am I find time to think and unwind.
don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, just not when they're all together at once.Today there was so much screaming, and I managed to forget my Noise Cancelling headphones back at home. I was sitting around covering my ears and rocking most of the day.
I've only had my diagnosis for a year now, and my family is still having a hard time adjusting, though they all agreed that covering my ears and rocking is far preferable to shouting and breaking things. (as mentioned Here:
Fortunately I was in my compression clothing underneith my clothes. It helped a lot. It's amazing what just cutting out the sensory agrivation of touch can do. but I still had a really hard time. Now it's late at night and the only sounds are the heater fan, the wall clock in the next room, and my computer fan.
Earlier things got so bad that I started ticking and jerking. Once so badly and violently I knocked my external harddrive off the table and broke it; in addition to losing all my software, files, contacts, and programes, the incident, of corse made things even worse. It's a realmess when you tick and break something, which causes you to tick even more.....go figure.

Tomorrow Is another day, and I will be helping unload trucks at the family owned Warehouse. That will most assuredly be a "fun" experience; it always is.

Regarding my compression clothing (meaning Tights and Compression shirts,) and the Family setting: In case anybody was currious, Only my mother knows about my compression clothing, and I would like to keep it that way. I may be physically comfortible in it, but I still am quite uncomfortable with the idea of it.
Besides, I think of it sort of like underwear, you wouldn't tell everyone you know about that for no reason, right? Granted, I wouldn't feel compelled to tell my mother about my underwear, but you get what I'm saying.
Besides, the reasons my mother knows are (1) She has always been supportive of me and has helped me through these strange times; and (2) I don't have a credit card, and she is kind enough to let me use hers to order my wears online.

Stims and ticks.

In this post I'm going to tackle stims and ticks. These are two things covered in a million and one books about raising autistic children, but I want to bring it from the perspective of a young adult living with AS.

Let's start with something that I don't think falls under Stims or Ticks. I really don't know what to call them, I guess just Quirks. I am referring to Things like Coverring ears, pacing, rocing, humming, counting, stutterring, or any combination of the above.

-TICKS

Ticks are often a calming, or theraputic device, a way of establishing ones place in space, or a reaction to something upsetting.
I have a number of stereotyped ticks, everything from blinking and head jerking, to bouncing my leg or flapping my hands. Ticks may come at inoppertune times; at work, in class, or worst of all on a date (as if dating weren't akward enough with AS) I often accompany my ticks with stutterring; I stutter when I'm trying to explain something to somebody who is having a hard time understanding me, when I have too much information scrolling through my head, or when I'm just genuinely upset.
My ticks are quite prevelant, and can be very intrusive and draw a lot of attention.

-STIMS

Stims. Those things we do that annoy the heck out of others and would normally annoy the heck out of us, if we weren't the ones doing it.
I have mentioned in other posts that I have issues with audible sensory input, the slightest sound may rub me the wrong way. However, If I'm the one doing it, and I am expecting the sound, there may, just MAY be the opposite response, it's not guaranteed, but it is possible.
Just the other day, I turned on a speaker on my computer, the speaker made a "pop" sound as electricity flowed in. It hurt my ears, but I was compelled to do it again, when I turned off the speaker, it made the noise again; back on "pop" back off, "pop" back on, back off, on, off, on.....this continued for about five minutes, all the while I was in a somewhat trance-like state.
I didn't mean to sit there turning the speaker off and on, and I certainly didn't mean to waste five minutes doing it. and If someone were to turn it on when I wasn't expecting it, I'm sure it would've hurt my ears, and I may have hurt my ears and made me tick, or worse.

Some stims can be harmful. I used to bash my fists together, punching until my knuckles bled, not because I was angry, or depressed, but because I was fascinated with the sensation. I also used to rub the part on my hand, just above the thumb until it bled; Again, not because I was depressed, or wanted to harm myself, I was just fascenated with the sensation.Of corse this was a difficult thing for most people to unerstand and it just perpetuated the theory that I was emotionally distraught........which of corse I wasn't.

Stims, Ticks, or Quirks, can get intrusive in our daily lives. It isn't always easy paying attention in class when something piques your sensory interrest and you tune everything else out. It isn't easy finding gainful employment when you get easily confused my audible direction, flap your hands, cover your ears, and aren't good with people. Not to mention that it can becume distracting to others, and draw attention to you and the fact that you may have something different about you. Personally, I hate it when people notice me, and when you're in public covering your ears and rocking, it tends to draw a lot of attention.

Sensory overload: Take one.

Have you ever been in a grocery store, and closed your eyes and payed attention to all the sounds and noises? Imagine if you heard all of those things all the time.Have you ever payed attention to the way your clothing brushes across your skin? or the slight breeze caused by people walking past you? Have you ever noticed all the flashing lights around you?, from signs to Cell phones?
Now Imagine if you coould hear, feel, and see these things ALL THE TIME; have no filter. My mind doesn't block out the unimportant things. Before my diagnosis, I always wondered how people could function iwith so many noises all arround them, or miss things I heard so clearly.

(1) SOUNDS.

A few weeks ago, I went into a large hardware store with my father (not my favorite place ever) Though it wasn't too busy I was really getting overloaded with stimuli. My father asked how this was possible, I pointed out all the things I could hear, see and feel: The hum from the flourescent lights, the BEEP of items being rung up at the front of the store, the rattling of the loose A/C fan, the squeeky shopping cart a few isles over, the screaming child in the distance, the table saw in the lumber section, the bird in the rafters, footsteps on the concrete floor and the bad music playing throughout. and that was just the things I could HEAR; All the things bothering my other senses were piled on top of all of that.
As we were talking about all this, a Voice came over the loud speaker; that was all I could handle. Overload. My hands covered my ears, I began pacing, and mudderring to myself, shaking my head side to side, and periodicly flapping my hands.
My father was embarrassed, I was a wreck, and so glad when we finally made it to the car.-I don't know why I always follow my father into places like that. When it's anybody else I just wait in the car, but my dad, even though he knows what those types of places do to me, for some reason that's beyond me, always draggs me in, and for some reason, I go.

Sensory overload is a very big issue for me.
Some of the ways I cope with such things include wearing headphones, earpluggs, sound muting headphones, dark sunglasses, and of corse my compression shirts and tights. I can function pretty well when I use one or a combination of these methods. But even with all the right measures taken, sometimes, things still happen.

(2) Lights

I have a difficult time with bright, flourescent, or flashing lights. And they are EVERYWHERE.Police lights really mess me up. I will get completely overloaded just from glancing at police lights. Needless to say, I am a perfect driver. There are, of corse other AS qualities which play into that, but that's another topic, for another time. I was a wreck when that fad of flashing LED lights on Cell phones was so popular. (And I have a really hard time with cell phones anyway.) Flourescent lights are also particularly upsetting, the light they cast is litterally painful to me, Not to mention the buzzing sound they make.

(3) Touch

I feel everything. I have mentioned a few times already that I can feel my clothing on my skin. Much of my youth was spent shirtless, but I can also feel even the slightest breezes from fans, heaters or A/C, even the slight breeze caused by people walking past me. I like physical contact, but I am very selective about who can touch me, and will often get overloaded and even violent when someone not on my mental list makes physical contact with me.
Deep pressure (tights, compression clothing) is paramount. Ever since I discovered it, I have craved it. I do MUCH better, and feel so comfortable when I have it.

So what can you take from this post? That Las Vegas would not be my kind of town AT ALL!!!Seriousely though, I hope somebody finds this post to b usefull.- But even more Seriousely, I really do keep away from Casinos at all costs.

That's it for this post, I'm positive that this is a topic I will be discussing often in the future.

Relationships? not likely.

I just want to say, right off the bat, that this isn't some "pity me" post, It is just a regular post partaining to relationships.

I just broke up with my Girlfriend of 8 months. She was really good to me; She respected my differences, and for the most part, tried to accomidate them whenever possible. She did however have a strange habit of randomly trying to convince me I didn'r have an ASD. I think maybe, despite her loving me, it was a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I can understand that.We had a lot in common though, from our political views, to the fact we despized most everybody (more on that in a later post) But despite how good we were together, I just couldn't make it work. She wanted to be with me all the time. In 8 months I got maybe 2 weeks (collectively) alone. and I am a VERY solitary creature. I can be alone for LONG periods of time and be more happy than a kid on Christmas.

She couldn't understand that. she didn't understand how even though I loved her, I didn't want to be with her. It's apparrently a difficult thing for "normal people" (pardon the venacular) to comprehend. I would've been pleased as punch to see her 2, Maybe 3 times a week; but whenever I tried to tell her that, she'd almost have a panic attack.
Finally it got to be too much, and I regretibly had to end it.
Breaking up was a strange thing for me. I have been umped in the past, but I've never done the dumping. Because of the way my mind works, I found myself looking at the whole experience as it unraveled from somewhat of a third party perspective. I kept having to snap myself back into the moment and try to show what I thought would be appropreate response. Most of the breakup was spent observing, wondering why she reacted certain ways, and trying to figure out how I should be reacting.....again, I thing this would be a hard thing for "normal people" to understand.
It's funny. Before I knew I had asperger's, I always wondered why people were able to react immediately, how certain things that I had to learn, were like instinct to them, Durring this new breaking up experience, I found myself being placed in a way back in the currious, observational position of my childhood.I think a solitary life is the curse of many people with Aspergers. (I hate the term Aspie - but again, another topic for another post) I can only speak from personal experience, but I don't even care to meet people because I conditioned myself as a child to expect rejection. Also, I find much of humanity to be intollerable, irrational, Irritating, and often disgusting.

So, what about you, Non-existant reader? what struggles have you, or (someone you love with an ASD) had in personal relationships? any? how have you learned to deal with it?Maybe you/they are perfectly adept at making and keeping friends and aquaintences.
I would love to find out, if you do exist, and have a moment, please leave me a note.

A little bit concerning my youth.

Post three, Part one: A little bit concerning my youth.

Growing up, I was homeschooled. I was pretty adept at making friends, but keeping them was difficult. while I was very friendly, I always had a hard time understanding things like sarcasm, social interractions, and I always had a tennancy to take things litterally and at face value. for example, I can remember being on a PeeWee baseball team, and some of the boys talking about "multiplication tables" and I sat trying to figure out why the heck kids were building replicas of tables in schools. These problems plagued me into my teen years. I was always awkward, I would often say innapropreate things and not realize it. I also tended to be very physical; I would beat up on my friends for no reason, and not mean to.

I would also have violent outbursts. My strong desire to cover my ears and rock back and forth when things upset me, or stim, was rivaled only by my fear I was "crazy" because of it. as such, stress and anxiety would build until I would lash out violently......I have broken knuckles punching walls, doors, tables, and even people more times than I would care to admit.

These outbursts obviousely concerned my parrents, who did what any concerned, carring parents would have done: They got me in to theripists.Despite my protests, and saying I wasn't depressed. I was soon diagnosed with everything from ADD, ADHD, Manic Depression, social anxiety disorder, turett's, bipolar disorder, every Psychological, or social disorder you could think of, axcept of corse for what I actually had.Needless to say I was given drugs for each syndrome, which had horrible adverse effects; But eventually my parrents saw that The help they so desperately wanted for me, was doing more harm than good, and I was taken off of every drug, and before long I was back to more or less normal.

Part two: "All my life I have been an observer of human nature, but not much of a participant.

"That's what I told my mother in my teenage years when we were discussing how I wasn't like other kids. Growing up autistic, for me was all very anthropological. A study of social dynamics. I could see how it worked, but couldn't make it work for me. I was different. I had very narrow interrests.

Part Three: Fixations and obsessions.

I don't choose my fixations, I just wake up one day obsessed with something new.

My earliest fixation which I can recall was Dinosaurs. At age five, my mother gave me a book called "The Dinosaur encyclopedia" (yes I could read, and read quite well at five) It was a book for adults, about 500 pages or so; I litterally memorized it. I didn't even mean to. I couldn't remember my friends names, or my street address, but reading once through that book I had memorized all the facts about every dinosaur in that book.Unfortunately, I can no longer remember much from that book. every time I get a new fixation, I forget everything from the last.
I don't know the order of all my fixations, but there have been a few, Dinosaurs, airplanes, guns, automobiles, ska music, american history, the list goes on, but it always involves learning everything I can about the history of whatever it is with which I fiind myself obsessed.

I wear Tights

I have decided to post this story first, because I think it needs to be put out the soonest. This was my biggest issue, and the one on which I have had the hardest time finding valuable information while doing my own research after my Diagnosis

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I wear tights. Despite being a man, being very straight, and being quite conservative, I do in fact, wear tights. My reasoning is not that of a sexual nature however. As part of my Asperger's, I have sensory issues. I hear everything, I am very senssitive to colors and light, and I feel everything on my skin; as such, in addition to many other things, I feel my clothing moving across my skin constantly.
A couple of months ago I decided to start wearing Under Armor-like clothing. I still wear the shirts, but the pants I found very uncomfortable. The elastic openings at the waist and ankles supplied unwanted pressure, and I found I was more aware of them, then I was the pants I found so distracting. I feel like I should give you some history. Growing up, I was always drawn to tight clothing: Tights, leotards, spandex etc. and growing up in the 80's and 90's with 2 older sisters, it was everywhere. Unfortunately, being raised very conservative, and not knowing I had an ASD I never understood, and was always ashamed of this attraction, and therefore never acted on it. In my mind, such things were intended only for women.
It should be noted, that my parrents never said it was wrong, (not that I ever brought it to their attention) and in retrospect, I have no doubt they would have been very supportive.
Throughout my adolescence, this was consistantly a problem, and my misunderstanding and shame drove me to go the opposite route. I wore clothing FAR to large for me; I had a very hard time focusing, concentrating, I had frequent, often violent outbursts, and just in general, I was incredibly uncomfortable and unhappy.
Into my teen years, my misunderstanding, and humiliation naturally evolved into an awkward belief that my desire for tight pressure must be a kind of sexual fetish, as all my research into the subject seemed to point only that way. I was confused, I didn't know what to do about it; It didn't seem like a sexual fetish, though my misunderstanding did make it feel dirty and made me feel like some kind of freak. (even more that an undiagnosed ASD kid already does)
Then came my diagnosis of Asperger's. As I did more research, I came across Deep Pressure therapy. My world was wide open. I couldn't believe it. As I read, all the confusion, the shame, the misunderstanding, ALL OF IT, melted away.
Tight clothing mutes out the feeling of my clothing brushing accross my skin, wind blowing on me, and other physical stimuli to which I am so sensitive; I find these things overwhelming, and when I mute them out, I am far less likely to suffer sensory overload.
I now wear tights and compression shirts pretty much every day. I do still keep it a secret,( I don't wear them openly) but I am very focused, I have far less outbursts, I can cope with and tollerate stimuli much easier, and I am finally happy and comfortable.

If you have these same sensory issues, but feel strange wearing women's tights, http://www.welovecolors.com/ has "men's" tights for pretty cheap. I don't know what the difference is between men's and women's tights, but they are there. I used to own a pair, but they disapeared; they tend to run large, just for the heads up.